Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I don't even know.

These days I feel like I exist in a perpetual state of distance (mine) and disinterest (theirs) from nearly everyone I know, and it kind of sucks, because I end up feeling SAD AND ALONE AND SORRY FOR MYSELF! but at the same time, ugh, it's sort of like this self-perpetuating cycle where I try tentatively to reach out, get my feelings hurt/ignored/I don't even know, and then I promptly withdraw again. I constantly feel incredibly awkward when I try to interact with like 90% of the people I call friends, so that I'm less like an actual friend to them and more like ... this occasionally-entertaining/mildly-interesting clown that occasionally says something smart/funny, rather than like, someone to have an actual reciprocal friendly relationship with.

Part of the problem is that I recognize that it's as much my fault as anyone else's--I'm very bad at reaching out and keeping contact with people. I live in this constant, constant state of being unsure whether it's a good time or a bad time to talk to someone, whether I'm being a bother or a pain or anything. When I was little, and even now, the one thing I hated more was to cause someone trouble, to the point where I'd go into a cycle of self-flagellation if my efforts were rejected--less because I was blaming the other person, but because I always expected myself to be more aware; "I should have known this was a bad time" or "I'm just not as interesting to them." I do try, sometimes, and it always feels like it does me no good. I try to reach out, to be an interesting/interested friend, and then when I am at a point where maybe I'd like interaction/attention, ha ha there is none for me! It is all for everyone else. I'm having a bad day? But someone else is and they're more important, so oh no worry about them! Who even notices Terra, except for [ profile] benthic who has to deal with me in person. (Rather than give me sympathy, you should give it to her. That poor woman has to put up with a lot from me.)

It's basically boiled down to my assuming that if people want to talk to me, they'll make the first move, and that's not fair! I know it's not fair! BUT HERE I AM, AT THIS POINT. HOORAY.

But the fact does still remain that I do feel cut off and lonely and like no one cares enough to even notice. I see people who say they love hearing/seeing people being excited about the stuff they like, but when I try to engage--to talk about things that I am interested in, or things that maybe hopefully people will be interested in--I always feel like it comes across flat or flubs or jeeze, Terra, why did you think they meant you, they obviously meant the interesting people. Which you are not. Go back to your corner until you level up, if you ever do.

And I think that cut-off thing is effecting my attitude towards other things; like, while I enjoy RP and have fun with it, I feel like because I am not all STARS AND RAINBOWS AND HEARTS, I am automatically in the minority, which means that people are less likely to even want to talk to me about tangentially (fandom) related things, because hey \:D/ she can be fun but she doesn't want to engage in A, so she won't want to engage in B. So I feel like a terrible rollarcoaster when it comes to RP, where--I enjoy it, and I have fun, but I feel so extraneous to the OOC community side that it's like hrfffff, why do I get on IRC in the first place? I could probably just dick around by myself and people would notice just as much.

Ultimately, though, I think I am becoming a person I don't really like--someone who doesn't trust when people say they like me or find me interesting, because I feel awkward and unpleasant to myself, ha ha ha. And I feel like the solution is to either grow up and accept this fact, or move on, but ha ha ha move on to where, even. :B If I couldn't be interesting to people before, and I can't be interesting now, what makes me think I will achieve this in the future? Hahahahahahaha.

TL;DR SAD AND ALOOOOOOOOOOOOONE and I will keep quiet about shit for the foreseeable future, but I wrote this mostly to get it off my chest and have it out there. Even if no one reads it, at least I've said it. And then maybe I can start working on that zen thing. \o_o/
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