* Sometimes, I really wish I could just post snippets of lyrics to my LJ without feeling ridiculous about it. And granted, I find it irritating, pretentious, or kind of dumb when I see people do it, but there are times where I am like, I really like these lyrics, I feel like repeating them and I am in the office and I cannot sing aloud. I've done it once or twice in my twitter, but I'm still sort of \O_o/ about doing it. IT FEELS SILLY. /o\

* A few weeks ago, there was a post on my flist about how dark and angsty =/= artistic merit. I would agree with this wholeheartedly, and extend that to life as well. Dear people, just because I am normally a cheerful person who just sort of floats and isn't always weighed down by the troubles of the world and my deficient personality, it does not make me stupid or childish. Your angst and drama does not make you a deeper or more worthy person than me. I will punch you in the face; then you will have physical pain to go with your spiritual, THEN WHAT. I've had this problem all my life, honestly--less with people online and more with people I know/interact with in my daily life.

It frustrates me, because sometimes, hey! I have bad days too! And then I wonder if there's a point to that attitude, if maybe it really--but then, no. No. :\ I've grown to a point where I resent the implication that I am somehow dumb because I like a happy ending, or that I will see the glass as half-full. Online, the problem is more about things you write, and the "artistic merit" of fiction itself, which ... okay, I mean, a well-done BAD END or bittersweet ending is totally cool with me. I like some stuff that's bleak! But a lot of times, it just wears me out--it doesn't make me think, it just makes me want to curl up and sleep for a week. SEE ALSO: my reaction to The Dark Knight. On its own merits, I think it was a fantastic movie, but god, it wore me out, and it didn't really make me think, because I was too busy being worn out by the relentness SHIT GOING DOWN. I liked 9 much better, because inexplicable as parts were, as spotty as the dialogue and plot sometimes was, there was hope, and I appreciated that. 9 made me think, actually, though I'd probably need to see it again before I could articulate any of it.

And okay, I have this Thing for horror stories, or endings that are weird and not entirely explained; I like Lovecraft and Poe and King. My greatest enthusiasm is for running horror stories, and not necessarily ones that are hooked on Twists And Plots, but just ... horrible things! Weird things! Monsters in the closet and things going bump in the night and the sinking feeling that the nightmare isn't over, just paused temporarily. I love stuff like that! --but I also want my happy ending, where people get through horror safe and sound, or maybe never encountered it at all. And I suppose my point is that ultimately, I don't think there is more "merit" in a story where the creeping horror drives someone insane and leaves the rest of the party with the sinking sensation that they are next vs a well-done quiet people-being-happy-and-people story. They both have their strengths, and they ping on different things, and let's face it: I feel like gratuitous amounts of ANYTHING (angst, horror, fluff, kitchen sinks) drags down the so-called intelligence level of something. Maybe there is something childlike about just letting oneself be taken into the immersion of a story, but I think the world could stand a little more of that. Sometimes we don't have to be (sometimes I don't want to be) the jaded cynical cool critic--sometimes it's nice to just be the kid who believes in everything, even if it's only forthe space of one story.

* Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with [livejournal.com profile] inarticulate re: f/f pairings, only we ended up talking about genderswitch fics instead. :|a A LOT OF IT WAS ACTUALLY CONTEXTUAL, looking back on those emails, but what it really boiled down to me was: 1) dude, fandom, please realize that the touching/charged/etc/etc scenes you squee about when your two favorite waiwai prettyboys are together would still be legitimate if one of them were female because man, while I identify as female, that is only one thing of many that defines me; 2) klsdjflaheot why do I not write more gen, why do I fall into the pairing-fic trap more than I want to. :( I sort of go in cycles; sometimes I am all about reading stuff that has porn in it! and other times I'm like that's boring, why is there so much sex in fandom, can I just have a nice long casefic, please. RIGHT NOW I AM ON THE LATTER. But even in long casefic, apparently I like it when there are pairings, so is that really gen? I have no idea. \o_O/

Then we got into a tangent about Subtext and how it exists in fandom, and sob. While I am someone who tends to label on the safe side (I did not touch the huge debate that sparked a few months ago, but while I don't care particularly much as a reader, as a writer I err on the side of caution), it sort of makes me wonder--when do you label something as gen? Or as a pairingfic? If you have two characters that you-as-the-writer (or the reader) ship, and all they're doing is interacting in platonic ways, is that gen? Is it pairing? Pre-slash? Is the important thing authorial intent (which enough english majors have told me only counts for very little) or what the reader sees in it? If people have problems with NO GAY!!1 why are they reading 07-Ghost?

* \o_O/ is my new favorite emoticon.


* --Hi.
→ A N O N _ M E M E

I keep telling myself I'll stop doing these, but I'm also one of those people who's just constantly morbidly curious. I have reached some measure of equilibrium with my confidence -- which is to say: I am confident that I am not as bad as I sometimes often think I am, but there is still that whole "as I sometimes think" part. This can and has tripped me up before.

Ultimately, I think I'm better off than I was when I graduated from college, two years ago. Man, that was a weird time for me; while I was extraordinarily lucky in that I had a job coming straight out of school (I was working part-time, took a week off to do graduation and such with my parents, then went to work full-time), it was a very mad time of transitions and freaking out and for the first time in over twenty years I am not a student. There are still things I'm worried about (or in some cases, downright terrified about, haha)! but I think two years of living without my parents' support -- and with their safety-net long-distance -- has helped me a lot in the confidence area.

This doesn't mean that DOOM doesn't worry me, or that even though I consider myself normally very optimistic it's very easy to think the worst of the situation. But somewhere along the way, the fact that "I am an adult, I can and am support myself and still have fun with the same silly happy things I did as a student" has really sunk in. Becoming an adult didn't mean I had to give up the things I liked, which I think on some level, I have always known -- it's just not something I've been able to articulate before without some measure of defensiveness. *g*

[works on the other meme]

o rite: HAPPY BIRTHDAY [livejournal.com profile] chibimazoku♥♥♥

obviously this means I should do a meme instead. Ilu [livejournal.com profile] inarticulate |D

a) I want to talk about how my ships and concept of shipping varies with fandom, so name a fandom and I'll discuss what I ship and what shipping means to me in that fandom.

b) I have a lot of fandoms. Have you ever wondered about one of the fandom I sometimes mention on my journal which you don't know of? Ask me any question you want about them!

nekokoban: (Here we are (you and me))
( Oct. 18th, 2008 11:34 am)
REPOSTED from Sora's character journal, mostly because I actually really like these cracktheories and because it's meta I like to keep. :(b

Generally, I'm of the opinion that there are no boring stories, only boring ways of telling them. I mean, for example: today I went out to get lunch. Tah-dah, it's a single sentence.

However: it was raining, but only lightly, so while I only had my (beloved and full of holes) sweater and no umbrella, and though I'd brought a book just in case, the worst that happened is that my hair turned kinda frizzy and my glasses got water-freckled. It was cool-ish, but the walk helped with that, and I was on my way to find this street-vendor-esque place that only is in this area on Tuesdays that I'd read about in the newspaper. When I found them, they were kind of surrounded by a huge moat of collected rainwater, so the lady taking orders waved at me to go around some of the parked cars. I got food (that turned out to be super-super tasty; gosh I like finding new good places to eat♥) and on my way back, I was struck by the color of the trees.

Which sounds kind of lame, and a bit ... well, okay, just lame, but. Because of the drizzle, the sky's kind of a flat pale gray, where your cloud clover is spread so fine that you can't see it, and the sunlight comes through muted but bright. And against that sky, there was a tree -- probably some sort of oak, I'm bad at identifying -- that was this bright almost lime-green, and even though it's the middle of May already, I looked at the tree and the first thing that popped into my head was "Spring!" I ended up just looking at the tree for a while, never mind my half-hour lunch break or the food cooling or the rain or the trucks passing by: there was me and there was a tree, and the tree made me smile because it was just. Pretty. ♥

And now I am back in the office and I'm stretching my lunch by tacking on my break with it. There's still work to do, but it's been slower today than it has for a while, I'm inside where it's dry and warm, my belly's full, and even with the terrible seesawing weather, there are trees that are bright green and forming arches with the surrounding building outside.

It's nice. :)

On the downside, there's also going too far with your metaphors and your phrasings; my mom is a fan of Harlequin romance novels, and like any good daughter, I stole some now and then when I was little and read them. (omg secret revealed?!) The thing that gets me with some of them would be that there was a good story, somewhere in there -- I think there's a reason most stories have a romance subplot, even for the non-romantics out there -- but it'd get bogged down with the ANGST and the LAYERS OF DETAIL and just. It's like stuffing someone genuinely pretty in layers and layers of stiff fancy clothing, then tossing them in the water and expecting them to float.

Of course, years later, I've substituted BL dramas for Mom's Harlequin romances, so obviously they're doing something right. Or I'm just easy. *g* And I mean, what makes a story effective, anyway? What's too much, what's enough? Will I ever figure this out without writing x100 words about it?

Nahhh, probably not.


♥ Thanks for reading.
For the first time in months -- monnnnnnnnnthsssssssss -- our work queue is single-digits! Of course, now that I've said that, I have inevitably doomed us to be back to triple-digits by this weekend, but for the moment there is that vaguely-cheerful, mostly-frazzled feeling that comes from a sudden deep breath in the midst of workworkwork. It doesn't help, either, that I've been sort of. Not sleeping? At least for me -- I find I can actually function surprisingly well on six and a half hours of sleep, it just ... sort of comes that I hit my second wind of HAY GUYZ HAY GUYZ right around when I should be going to bed. Whoops?


(Actually it means that I'm. Procrastinating on a lot of things because I sit down and think HOKAY WE GONNA DU DIS THAAAAANG and find that my brain power is actually about nil when it comes to comitting. I have a lot of things I agreed/planned to write before the end of this month, but instead. I. Want to write horrible terrible things -- and then I can't even get the brainpower to pull THAT off, either. Seriously, how hard should it really be to write things that make people go orz at me? NOT THAT HARD and yet. Here I am. I kind of really fail, don't I. o/;;)

In lieu of actually working on that, though, guys, guys! I'm going to talk about my experiences in fandom, which people who've known me forever and a day, like Haru and Chira, have actually personally experienced me going through. :|b )


ETA TL;DR VERSION: Create because you love to do it! (That's why I do.) Share because people are looking this way! (That's also what I do.) The two are not mutually exclusive. Take away my internet and I still write (and write a LOT), though I miss the people.

nekokoban: (for all my tricks and clever traps)
( Jan. 31st, 2008 10:45 am)
Ever had one of those days where you think to yourself, You know what, SKIP the buildup and the justification and the explanations and the FRIGGING CONTEXT, I just want to write [x] and [xx] and maybe even some [xxx]?


Maybe I just want to talk about the story ideas I have, rather than writing them, which is also super-lazy of me, but man. I'm feeling a little -- juuuuuust a little, though :|b -- guilty about not working on my SK prompts (and they're AWESOME prompts and I have IDEAS, I just. am not), but I've got all these things, guys, and they're brilliant in my head but I'm afraid they'll be lost in execution.

Would anyone be interested if I just posted a bunch of, like, unrelated/out-of-context paragraphs for different snip ideas that don't have the epic buildup they'd require.

... I also want an excuse to pontificate about genderswitch, because some of the comments on the girl!Kuro fic I got have really gotten me thinking.


EDIT: ... so apparently I have to get a PSP now. B-because Coworker JD got Disgaea for the PSP and he's like "WE SHOULD BATTLE IN MULTI-PLAYER :D :D :D :D" and. Yes. T^Tb
FIRST OF ALL, A PIMP! For the record, I do not actually ship the Medicine Seller with anyone. To me, he's a completely asexual being, though I'll write anything at least once -- maybe twice, if interested. *g* However, there is this song:

The Hush Sound - Medicine Man

that is, for me, a Kayo-->Medicine Seller song. It is also super-catchy and I can hear Chira laughing at me all the way over here. :|b

Now, the actual post! This is something I have nattered about before, multiple times, but then this post by Laylah (over on IJ) got me thinking about it again -- that, and the fact that I had this emo spat over the weekend which is gone now, like DUUuuUUUuSSST in the WIIIiIIIiinnnnd-- don't make me sing, guys, you'll regret it forever and ever. :(

But more seriously, what Laylah was talking about is something I've seen before -- granted, not in the same context as her -- her creative writing classes -- mooooostly because. Well. I took only one creative writing class, and that was back in high school a-and I realized that, um. Most of the people were taking it for an easy grade (our teacher was a super-sweet woman, but prone to be overly-forgiving of deadlines and the like), or were the sort of Arteests that I can't stand. What I do have is roughly twelve years (?!?!?!) of active-ish participation on the internet and fandoms, though less now than when I first started out. And it's really not unusual, sadly, to see people declare that things must have ANGST and ANNNNGST and YET MORE ANGST in order to be "deep" or "meaningful" or -- and I think this is the worst bullshit of all -- be "worthy writing."

This isn't to say that I think dark/angsty things don't have redeeming value -- sometimes, a story just needs to be dark. There are times when that's just how the cards fall, and that's awesome! But that doesn't make it any more artistic or a better read than a happy story -- a comedy has just as much potential to be poignant and touching and move you as much as a tragedy. (Perhaps not the modern slapstick comedy so much, no, but hell, much as I hate the genre, that's part of the appeal of "romantic comedies," isn't it?)

However, I think I'd expand that -- and I'll make a confession:

I really don't like "tragically noble" types.

Nine times out of ten, noble suffering gets my hackles up and just ... irritates me. Stop me if you've heard this story -- someone is wrongly accused of HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS!1! and is punished for them, but believes THEY DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT!1!!! because somewhere along the way, they've at least partly internalized the world's finger-pointing, and now they have TRAGIC NOBLE ANGST as they struggle valiantly to NOT LET HISTORY'S MISTAKES REPEAT THEMSEEEEEEELVES!

I just. I can't. Oh my god, when I run into characters like that, I want to whack them on the back and say CHEER UP EMO KID because-- well. That's kind of what Noble Tragics do to me. This is not to say I dislike them all, because I believe there are exceptions to every rule, but as a general whole? No thank you.

That's not to say my favorite sort of angsty character -- I am super-super weak the smiling "I've got a secret" ones who play their parts as tricksters and jokesters and yet have terrible, terrible backstory (cough cough gee, I wonder who in my current fandom(s) are like that :p) -- aren't irritating, either. But the thing is, I like that element of lightness and comedy to a character. Even if it's ultimately a charade -- though with my favorites, I would argue it's NOT -- it feels, to me, like they have more depth than your Noble Tragic or your Quiet Brooder. The Fake Smile has at least two notes to their personality, even if you don't see the second note till it's almost too late.

And honestly, guys, what is UP with hating on characters just because they're happy? Why is a character shallow if he/she is outgoing and upbeat and prefers a smile over a frown? Why are they seen as idiots compared to their angstier companions? (I mean, all right, the general rule in fiction is that happier characters might not be as bright academically, but they tend to have very good instincts emotionally -- and normally they have some pretty insightful views/beliefs on human nature and the heart. AND EVEN THEN, that's not always the case; there are plenty of happy characters who're academically smart as well.)

Just. I don't know, I can't speak for the world as a whole, but for myself? I actually feel a lot more satisfied with a happy ending than a tragic one -- I find a story that ends with hope infinitely preferable to the downward spiral finally hitting rock-bottom. I think that's why characters matter so much to me -- I will forgive a weaker plot if characters are awesome, but an awesome plot with lukewarm characters or even a wannabe awesome plot insert rant about certain games that anyone who's actually talked to me know what I mean usually loses my interest super-fast.

I have to like your characters before their tragedies mean anything to me -- and I grow to care about characters by seeing their joys.

Part of it is that, like I said in my comment to Laylah, fiction isn't all escapism for me. Or more accurately, storytelling isn't escapism: I do it all the time. "There was this thing that happened to me and a friend," or "I'd heard that this was--" or "oh man, I just got back from [xx]." And my life, guys, is not all tragedy and woe -- it's not even a LITTLE tragedy and woe. Most of my angst comes from internal sources, rather than the world dropkicking me like a game of hackeysack.

There are so many little joys in life. Missing out on that is a terrible thing, imo.

TL;DR version: I think angsty characters are actually more shallow and one-dimensional than happy ones. It is so easy to find something to be sad about, guys. There are times where the stronger person is the one who looks past the grim and the dirt and ugly twisted sadnesses and sees the beautiful underneath.

Next time, I think I might awaken on a bandwagon and do that not-quite-a-question-meme that [livejournal.com profile] mackzazzle started. :|b
nekokoban: (only human)
( Jan. 13th, 2008 01:38 pm)
After having a variation of this conversation three times last night (no joke) and some other events tossing and turning around, I got to thinking a bit. THERE IS PERSONAL META AHEAD, FEEL FREE TO SKIP.

I talk so much, lol )

TL;DR version:


And with that off my chest and said, now maybe I can concentrate on writing. :|
Trufax: It is kind of hilarious to hear the people in the row over trying to remember Patrick Stewart's monologue that opens Star Trek: The Next Generation and failing, but still dutifully adding in sound effects and music as they remember. :D

I find it kind of hilarious that earlier this week I was whining at [livejournal.com profile] harukami (like I am known to do since she's yet to actually tell me to shut up *g*) about how I want to be ... not famous necessarily, not a BNF, but -- more read? Have a greater readership? when there have been at least two blowups on my flist dealing with "famous" people in fandoms. One of them is a good friend of mine; the other I don't know at all, though apparently she was in FMA fandom for a while. (Shows what I know: I wandered away from that series yeeeeears ago. Literally years, wow.)

The way fandom politcs are set up, it seems to me you'd almost have to be a BNF to be a well-known ficwriter, but it's like. I feel like at my core I am a storyteller: maybe not the best, and maybe not the most eloquent, but I literally can't go for more than an hour before I'm composing something in my head, little unconnected scenes that will never see the light of the day. Character tropes that I like but can't concievably write as often as I'd like/want, bits of dialogue that don't fit in the mouths of any character than my own -- hell, I love to summarize stories because it's like a retelling and there's actually some satisfaction in that, too.

The downside is that I am also kind of ... hm. I tell stories because I want to, but I share stories because I know people are looking. There is a line, and I'm not entirely sure I can articulate it properly. I like to make people happy by entertaining them -- hence sharing stories, but my ongoing loveaffair with smaller fandoms and obscure series tells me that I'm also okay with throwing my stuff out into the void and hope that someday, windfall will come and there'll be someone who enjoys it.

Which ... doesn't actually change the fact that I'm a bit of a whore when it comes to comments. *g* I HAVE MADE PEACE WITH MYSELF ON THIS, because I know essentially I have done all I can to actually make myself "known" on the internet -- I'm too lazy to do hardcore self-pimping ... anywhere, really, so the best I can do is keep writing as best I can, and crosspost when I remember to. I'm sure there are other things I can do, but I've hit a point where this is a ... regret that I can laugh at. I can put my chin in my hands and sigh wistfully, but when you get right down to it, I'm okay.

Because I know I'm a decent writer -- I'm not fantastic, and there are and will always be people who're leaps and bounds better, but I'm competent. I can string words together into a readable sentence and follow a plot; I pay close attention to character-language and action and occasionally freak out at anyone listening if I think I'm straying too far from what I see in canon. *g* I would hazard to say I'm even "good," even if what I excell it are quiet one-scene fics and character interactions as opposed to intricate plots and unexpected twists.

Internet fame is such a fickle thing, though; I have been interacting in online fandoms for ... what, going on twelve years now? (Holy hell, twelve YEARS.) I still am no closer to figuring out how the fandom collective thinks, and how they decide one thing is awesome and another is boring, or where the chips fall -- anywhere, really. I have loved things that I can't understand why they're not 100x more popular than they are, and looked at manias that sweep my flist and wonder what the hell everyone else is seeing that I'm not.

Part of this, I'm sure, is a vague sort of ... not really envy, not really: I know quite a number of fairly well-known (in the circles I traverse, at least *g*) writers/artists. I will be bold enough to say that I am, in fact, friends with a number of supremely talented people who are well-acknowledge, and rightfully so, for their talents. The problem is, little dusty me, I feel like the lagging kid sister who can't quiiiiite keep up, but is allowed to play simply by virtue of being small and cute, and not because I'm actually good enough.

Because yeah, I know I'm not bad! But all these people I adore and can chat comfortably with, they're BETTER. I want to be worthy of them! (This, in fact, is kind of a driving force of my life: I want to be good enough, I want to be worthy enough to make it worthwhile for the awesome people I'm friends with. Sometimes this manifests as emo angst; other times, it's an inspiration. Ultimately, I think it balances out.)

Naturally, if I were to name these folks, I'm certain most of them would look at me askance and claim they're not famous, they're not cool enough for that, blahblahblah. That is okay, though, because everyone else knows the truth. :|b

And maybe that's my problem, too! Maybe I'm too close to myself (yeah, fancy THAT) to see how I stand objectively, as the tiny tiny drop in the fandom pool that I am. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself -- but it's equally likely that I'm actually thinking too much of myself, heh.

Just. Hey -- hey, out there? If you're reading my fic and enjoying it, thank you. I would appreciate comments and I'd appreciate people talking to/friending me, but ultimately, if you read something of mine and it stays with you and hopefully not as an example of OH GOD NEVER AGAIN *g*, thank you. I'll keep working hard and trying to become a better writer, and maybe someday, I'll get to shine, too. :)
Dear Starbucks, why must your peppermint bark brownies be so tasty! And expensive. :(
Secret: While I laugh at all the Starbucks jokes -- and living in Seattle, they're pretty damn copious -- I actually have yet to be disatisfied with any drink or food I've gotten there. And the people who work at the outlet next to my workplace are kind of super-awesome. I get compliments on my hair and smiley faces drawn on my drink cups and heckled for wanting bagels when there aren't any. They're nice. :x

However: I have been promised cookies on Monday. Soothe my heart with other baked goods, because I'm really easy that way.

Have been hacking away at the Yuletide story -- it's a lot of fun, but my mental image of myself after posting it is sort of like, I dunno, the bloody and beaten shounen hero staggering triumphantly in with an arm around a friend's shoulders because one's too tired to quite stand on one's own and being all "THUMBS UP, GUYS, THUMBS UP." I'm just a little worried that my recipient won't like it, because I just may shrivel up and fade away a little if that's the case. XD

Recently, I have been waffling between a) wanting more tactics fic, damnit D: and b) wanting fic about Griselda and her mother (Odin Sphere). I joke that Griselda's the only character in the game who totally had her shit together and NO ISSUES, and of course she dies in the very first scene. I blame "93 Maidens," which [livejournal.com profile] inarticulate pimped the other day; the majority of it isn't actually that fitting, but the parts that DO feel like they really do. I think part of me is vaguely disappointed that Griselda and Gwendolyn's mother is reduced only to two throwaway comments. I don't actually care so much about the other missing parents in the game -- but somehow I'm disappointed, in a way, that Ragnanival's Queen is never explained.

... I think my big problem right now is that I feel a little beside myself. I have a number of Big Projects inprogress that I have been throwing myself at with all the satisfaction of a kid who knows the ground'll catch her with minimum damage, but ... it's like I want to do more. :\ I want to write more! I want to write a lot more, but am feeling distinctly uncreative and uninspired.

I've got the energy, but neither the focus nor the drive -- nor, in fact, ANY IDEA WHATSOEVER OF WHAT I'M DOING -- to get anything done. I pick a little at this, I poke a little at that, and then the next thing I know, I'm playing Spider Solitaire and losing. It's a little distressing. :| That may be one of my only quibbles with tiny fandoms -- I love their smaller, "safer" feeling, and the fact that there are a handful where I can look at all the names and go "hey! I know you! you're on my flist!" but at the same time, there are times when I miss the heyday of, oh, YahooGroups and mailing lists and stuff. XD Not because I necessarily think it was better "back then," but because that was where I got my start, and it feels more interactive (in wistful rose-colored memory) than some of the communities I watch today.

Confession: I really wish I knew more people online. XD; Or I could interact with people more -- I have a problem with not being comfortable with spamming people with random things unless I know them, and that list is like ... five. At tops. I'm conditionally shy; I am super-loud and blunt and spammy if I know and am friends with someone; around people I don't know or barely know, I just sort of ... clam up and smile and nod a lot. Most of the time, I feel like I need to have something worth contributing before I plonk myself into someone's LJ thread(s) or whatever and start yammering.

On the flipside, I really wish people would do that to ME more often, because I really like talking to folks. Especially in tiny fandoms. T^Tb I, I'm not that boring, am I? Oh god, I hope not. XD;

What I need is a revolution, but this late in the year, where on EARTH am I gonna find one.


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags