SO I have realized, through various small aches and pains, that I am not as optimistic or upbeat as my mental image of myself is! Which is fine, because part of that is just a matter of readjusting personal expectations so that they're not unrealistic or crushing what self-worth I do have, but part of it is stuff I can do as part of EFFORT! on my part. Therefore, rather than wait for the new year, when I could second-guess myself or talk myself out of it, I have come up with RESOLUTIONS. I am temporarily putting aside holiday cheer and doing this!

* Get back into the habit of writing daily. Half an hour or at least 1000 words every evening, even when we go out and are social. The only exceptions should be if I am actually sick, or there is some other emergency going on.

* On nights when I have work the next morning, be in bed by 12:30-1. Preferably 12:30 at the latest.

* Keep in touch with people more. THIS IS FOREVER A WORK IN PROGRESS because I am a horrible combination of shy/self-conscious/lazy and get into ruts. BUT I WILL TRY. In that respect, try to get out more and reach out to folks to do things beyond asking [ profile] rinkhals about where to grab lunch.

* Be better about keeping the kitchen/bathrooms clean. One day soon I will BLITZ cleaning and then I will do my best to maintain it/make [ profile] rinkhals help me with that.

* Save up money for 1) a PS3 2) a food processor

* Relatedly, get my savings goal (a 12-month emergency savings plan) to AT LEAST 33% in the next year. So I want to trim some (but not all :B) of my frivolous spending to shore that up.

* Let things go. Or at least, if I have to be angry and vent, don't let it consume me. I can be pretty bad about this, because I tend to dwell and make myself more upset. I need to start rolling with those punches and not letting them drag me down.

In 2011, I'd like to make serious progress towards two of my writing goals, which for the now will be hush-hush because I am superstitious about talking about ambitious things until they're already solidly in motion.

Hello everyone!! We're starting today!!

In other news I kind of want to wipe all my current icons and MAKE MYSELF A NEW SET, only I load up the page to start deleting them and I'm like "oh, but I like this one :( and this one :( and THIS ONE TOO oh no :("--but I barely even post, so it's really just that I like having different icons every time I comment somewhere. Maybe I will allow myself to keep like fifteen old icons and make everything else new.
nekokoban: (バカバカバカ)
( Oct. 24th, 2010 10:39 pm)

Well, that's a slight exaggeration, since I also managed to get grocery shopping done, do the laundry AND the dishes, cook from-scratch lasagna, finally buy closed-toe shoes, and still get like ~7.5 hours of sleep a night (I stayed UP really late and slept really late, and boy did that make the cats happy this morning). BUT MOSTLY I DID THIS and nnnnnngh I am just so happy it's done. (Poor [ profile] rinkhals has had to deal with me whining whenever something was missed/skipped/gone/I hated everything.)

All of the fic is moved over to a Wordpress account hosted off my server, which (in theory) will make it easier for me to update in the future, as well as allowed me to have a tagging/categorization system. I've split up original fiction versus fanfic, and I have some ~plans~ that may or may not get put into fruition by the end of the year, depending on motivation and the guts to actually do it. There is also a new layout for the site in general, as well as one that has the same colorscheme, but not any fandom-related images, for the original side. Hrrr. :B Originally I'd wanted to use a di(e)ce image, but then the baby dragon was there and I was like OH WHY NOT, HE'S CUTE.

Anyway, blah blah blah, IF THERE ARE BROKEN LINKS, TELL ME AND I WILL GET TO THEM! oh my god guys it's been three years since I updated my website, this is crazyyyyyyyyyyyy. \o_O/
So I am reading a book about the history and evolution of fairies in cultural belief (it includes a basic bestiary, and man I love me some beastiaries)--the subtitle is literally A Dark History of Fairies, Hobgoblins, and Other Troublesome Things--and as the last case I worked was for a Mr Coldiron.

I laughed, but I'm also lame.
Because things are more true once they're said aloud. :|a


Also I know I have been loltastically fail at updating about my writing progress, but IT PROGRESSES. I AM MAKING MY WORDCOUNT, if only barely, b-but I've hit a point where life is like HELLO, LET ME TOUCH YOU and I'm like AHHHH WHERE DID YOU COME FROM! so. :B I'm starting to have ideas again, and I probably owe [ profile] halcyonjazz birthday fic I GUESS, so hopefully will be posting again soon. I'M SORRY TO ALL OF YOU WHO FRIENDED ME FOR FIC AND FOUND ME TO BE AN EXTREMELY BORING PERSON.
nekokoban: (8P)
( Apr. 24th, 2010 09:47 pm)

* Went to the post office to mail things for people! Bought stamps while I was at it.
* Got some bank stuff taken care of!
* Did my grocery shopping!
* Socialized with people!
* Played a metric ton of Pokemon HeartGold!

AND ALSO, I ... )

nekokoban: (artistic~!)
( Jan. 9th, 2010 10:07 pm)
So, [ profile] rivendellrose took some photos at the Christmas party we had with friends a few weeks ago. I am mostly resharing these because OMG WE MADE ~ART~.

These are not dialup-safe, btw.

* Sometimes, I really wish I could just post snippets of lyrics to my LJ without feeling ridiculous about it. And granted, I find it irritating, pretentious, or kind of dumb when I see people do it, but there are times where I am like, I really like these lyrics, I feel like repeating them and I am in the office and I cannot sing aloud. I've done it once or twice in my twitter, but I'm still sort of \O_o/ about doing it. IT FEELS SILLY. /o\

* A few weeks ago, there was a post on my flist about how dark and angsty =/= artistic merit. I would agree with this wholeheartedly, and extend that to life as well. Dear people, just because I am normally a cheerful person who just sort of floats and isn't always weighed down by the troubles of the world and my deficient personality, it does not make me stupid or childish. Your angst and drama does not make you a deeper or more worthy person than me. I will punch you in the face; then you will have physical pain to go with your spiritual, THEN WHAT. I've had this problem all my life, honestly--less with people online and more with people I know/interact with in my daily life.

It frustrates me, because sometimes, hey! I have bad days too! And then I wonder if there's a point to that attitude, if maybe it really--but then, no. No. :\ I've grown to a point where I resent the implication that I am somehow dumb because I like a happy ending, or that I will see the glass as half-full. Online, the problem is more about things you write, and the "artistic merit" of fiction itself, which ... okay, I mean, a well-done BAD END or bittersweet ending is totally cool with me. I like some stuff that's bleak! But a lot of times, it just wears me out--it doesn't make me think, it just makes me want to curl up and sleep for a week. SEE ALSO: my reaction to The Dark Knight. On its own merits, I think it was a fantastic movie, but god, it wore me out, and it didn't really make me think, because I was too busy being worn out by the relentness SHIT GOING DOWN. I liked 9 much better, because inexplicable as parts were, as spotty as the dialogue and plot sometimes was, there was hope, and I appreciated that. 9 made me think, actually, though I'd probably need to see it again before I could articulate any of it.

And okay, I have this Thing for horror stories, or endings that are weird and not entirely explained; I like Lovecraft and Poe and King. My greatest enthusiasm is for running horror stories, and not necessarily ones that are hooked on Twists And Plots, but just ... horrible things! Weird things! Monsters in the closet and things going bump in the night and the sinking feeling that the nightmare isn't over, just paused temporarily. I love stuff like that! --but I also want my happy ending, where people get through horror safe and sound, or maybe never encountered it at all. And I suppose my point is that ultimately, I don't think there is more "merit" in a story where the creeping horror drives someone insane and leaves the rest of the party with the sinking sensation that they are next vs a well-done quiet people-being-happy-and-people story. They both have their strengths, and they ping on different things, and let's face it: I feel like gratuitous amounts of ANYTHING (angst, horror, fluff, kitchen sinks) drags down the so-called intelligence level of something. Maybe there is something childlike about just letting oneself be taken into the immersion of a story, but I think the world could stand a little more of that. Sometimes we don't have to be (sometimes I don't want to be) the jaded cynical cool critic--sometimes it's nice to just be the kid who believes in everything, even if it's only forthe space of one story.

* Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with [ profile] inarticulate re: f/f pairings, only we ended up talking about genderswitch fics instead. :|a A LOT OF IT WAS ACTUALLY CONTEXTUAL, looking back on those emails, but what it really boiled down to me was: 1) dude, fandom, please realize that the touching/charged/etc/etc scenes you squee about when your two favorite waiwai prettyboys are together would still be legitimate if one of them were female because man, while I identify as female, that is only one thing of many that defines me; 2) klsdjflaheot why do I not write more gen, why do I fall into the pairing-fic trap more than I want to. :( I sort of go in cycles; sometimes I am all about reading stuff that has porn in it! and other times I'm like that's boring, why is there so much sex in fandom, can I just have a nice long casefic, please. RIGHT NOW I AM ON THE LATTER. But even in long casefic, apparently I like it when there are pairings, so is that really gen? I have no idea. \o_O/

Then we got into a tangent about Subtext and how it exists in fandom, and sob. While I am someone who tends to label on the safe side (I did not touch the huge debate that sparked a few months ago, but while I don't care particularly much as a reader, as a writer I err on the side of caution), it sort of makes me wonder--when do you label something as gen? Or as a pairingfic? If you have two characters that you-as-the-writer (or the reader) ship, and all they're doing is interacting in platonic ways, is that gen? Is it pairing? Pre-slash? Is the important thing authorial intent (which enough english majors have told me only counts for very little) or what the reader sees in it? If people have problems with NO GAY!!1 why are they reading 07-Ghost?

* \o_O/ is my new favorite emoticon.


* --Hi.
nekokoban: (for I will be there by your side)


( Sep. 8th, 2009 02:06 pm)
Man, I am clearly on one of my POST A LOT sprees for the moment. :|a Should I apologize?

What I wanted to do yesterday was write a love letter to my city: because it was raining but not dark, cool but not cold, and Westlake Center was full of people (the crazy sign-picketing Christians, the people who engage them in fights, the kids running around pellmell, everyone else--me) and I'd seen my friends and spent an entire weekend being industrious and also lazy, and finally feeling like I had the time to do all of that. It was really nice. :) --but then I got home and I was tired, so mostly what I did instead was harass my cat and flop around on my couch with the TV on.

And today I am going to talk about something totally different!

And in true me style, this will go on for a bit )
TWICE IN ONE DAY! What is this madness!

Actually, part of this is because I was considering doing the honesty meme that's floating around LJ again--it always worries me, because I am a person naturally inclined to worry about what other people think--but I do like the honesty. And sometimes people can only do that when they're being anonymous, which ... isn't something I agree with, but it's something I've felt before, so it's hardly something I can censure. This led to me thinking--because a lot of times, these memes tend to go three ways: a) no response at all, b) lots of love and affection, and c) critique. The last time I commented to these sorts of memes (both the general one and the RP one) I heard things that--I already knew! And things that didn't make me entirely happy, but it wasn't stuff I was unaware of. *wg*

So I have been thinking about it, and thinking about it, and while I don't know if I've reached any sort of truly satisfactory conclusion, I've made a few. We'll see how they go!

Which is to say: this is a defriending amnesty post.

1. I don't write as much as I used to, and this does make me sad, but it's also just sort of a function of my life. I still want to, and I still intend to, but I ... also feel bad that 90% of you guys originally friended me for fic, and I'm not putting out. :x It's gotten to a point where I will feel guilty sometimes doing the rambling life posts or the talky posts--and I love it when people reply to me! But it's also become this kneejerk where I feel like I have to apologize for posts that aren't fic! And the person who told me, last honesty meme, that I used to be so prolific (which I still disagree with, I have never felt that way, sob) and now I direct all my creative energy to RP. Which is--fair to some degree, but also ... not? I think. It is my free time and my creative energy to utilize as I wish, and sometimes that is fic, and sometimes that is RP!

2. More often than not, these days, I just want to ... ramble, like I used to do, back when I was just posting fic to my website and had the blog just for the sake of being a blog. Way back before I was really on LJ fulltime--it wasn't like I had a separate fic journal (I tried all those trendy things and they never really amounted to much *wg*), I just ... fic went one place, and only that place, and my journal was for me to talk to and at people. I kind of miss that!

2a. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting fic to this LJ! When I have it, I'll post it here. But I don't want this to be primarily fic, which is the impression I've always had of it, myself. CLEARLY THAT IS NOT THE CASE, SO I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD ACKNOWLEDGE IT FINALLY!

I don't want people to feel obligated to keep this journal friended--especially since a lot of times, I am just flaffing on about a whole lot of nothing. That does mean you people on the filters, too, which I am woefully behind with maintaining. You are welcome to defriend me, and I will not hate you or feel unhappy or anything. I promise! I'll still probably keep locking adult stuff, if/when I write and post it ([ profile] enough_space has nearly gotten me to agree to doing DW's kink bingo thing, sob what am I getting into!), but it happens so infrequently it feels unfair to maintain the expectation when it's probably not forthcoming for a while. :B I'll have a few other locked posts, as per life and necessity, but this journal is pretty open. My life is so ordinary, there's little to hide. Maybe I should make up some dramatic backstory for myself!

This is not a journal reboot or anything, this is just me going "... well!" and trying to be honest about it. AS ALWAYS, people are welcome to yell at me or comment or tell me anything they want; if they don't want to do it publically, I can be PMed, or emailed, and I have anon commenting on. IP logging is on, but I don't actually pay attention to that except for spambots. :|a

For the record, I will not be doing a flist cut unless you cut me first--this is not hard feelings, this is just "holy crap when did my flist get to be this long, w-well, if they're not reading me maybe it's okay if I cut them uwah."

I THINK THAT'S EVERYTHING. Happy Friday, everyone. O/
Sob I am sick. :'( I was going to do some setup for a Thing I wanted to run starting this weekend, but--sick! And then I realized that I was in no shape to actually run anything except maybe the electric kettle for tea. (I have had so much tea and water and juice in the past three days that I am fairly certain that my body's water level was something more like 99% than 90% or whatever the number actually is.) It has wrecked my desire to really ... do anything except bang together a very basic dinner and watch TV when I get home from work, rather than--any of the other things I should be and would be doing. :( I PLAN ON USING THIS WEEKEND TO RECOVER, THOUGH! I suspect it's just one of my usual allergy attacks+minor sinus infection, since we had a major weather shift a week or so ago--90 to 60 in pretty much a single day!--and I was moving so there was dust and fraff and worse everywhere. +_+

In an attempt to comfort myself, I am listening to Shimoda Asami's Prism album over and over. If you recognize the signifigance of the album, you are a dork just like me. |D I think the only way it could've made me happier is if at least one of the Aku No songs had made it onto the playlist--but! I will just live in the hope that if Prism does well, maybe it will be repeated in the future. :|a SO INSTEAD, I am listening to the handful of covers I have for the original songs, and man. Man. I really do love the story those songs tell--and man, I just love fairy tales. :( Not just the happily-ever-after ones that got cleaned up, but the ugly and the weird and the twisted, and the rules that people just. Knew to follow, or disregarded at their own risk. One of my impulse buys this weekend was a book about the edits and cuts to the original Grimm stories and the fact that even as far back as the time of Wilhelm and Jakob Grimm, sex was more heavily-censored and edited than the violence and it has been fascinating. :x

And really, I think the stories I feel happiest about, recently--going back a bit, because my writing has been horribly slow lately--have been the things I wrote for Yuletide, and for Imaginary Beasts, the fairytale stories with the tasks and witches and talking beasts and all kinds of strange things. I think my strengths do lie in the simple language and the twists that are more like how the old woman at the corner is actually a witch-queen keeping an eye on you rather than THE BUTLER DID IT! or anything. I think this is why I have problems writing a lot of--grittier stuff, I guess, unless I wrap it up in kind of funny unsuited (?!) language, and put some distance between it and myself.

As I become more settled into my self, I think--I'm not really suited for really long epics, or full-length novels, or anything like that. I think, if I ever do make it into the professional writing field, it'll be for short stories--and maybe, hopefully, new fairy tales. I would like that.

Also tomorrow is [ profile] enough_space's birthday so I AM SAYING IT HERE FIRST!11111111 HAPPY BIRTHDAY! SO THERE. ♥♥♥
nekokoban: (Default)
( Apr. 23rd, 2009 02:22 pm)
So today is apparently Bring Your Child To Work Day, which one of my coworkers said should be extended to include one's dogs. Don't I wish, because--I'd get nothing done, but puppies! One of my coworkers has this corgi/chihuahua mix that is hilarious and also in love with the feet of one of the guys who sits next to her. And one coworker has a puppy that should be about eight months old now and. :( It's a pretty day outside, we could have taken advantage of our ticket system being down and GONE OUTSIDE TO PLAY WITH THE DOGS! But no.

Soooooooo as I mentioned yesterday: I have finally signed up to get a cellphone. 8( This is mostly because when I move, I am not going for a landline, as my parents are very not local and the past few months would have been about 1000x easier if I'd had one. On top of that, it struck me that--if I were to do such a thing, I really should get the phone before I move, and not after. Ha ha ha, look, I'm thinking ahead. And even more, when my external harddrive crashed for good a while back, I lost a lot of contact info from people that I am still mourning. Now is as good a time as any to rebuild a phonebook/contact list for myself. |D

THE POLL IS SCREENED, only I am able to see the results. :|b

[Poll #1388872]

If people want to give me mailing addresses (WHICH WOULD BE NICE BECAUSE I LOST THOSE TOO D8), comments are screened. \o/ I will be giving my phone number out to people once I actually get the phone and have it set up.
nekokoban: (Good job sir!)
( Apr. 3rd, 2009 03:34 pm)

Dear flist: For those of you who use Photoshop on a regular basis, have you ever run into an issue where the program just--refuses to open files? Or do anything? Like, I can get as far as double-clicking on a file I want to open in the window! And I get the hourglass and everything, and then ... nothing happens. My tools mysteriously stop functioning, too, and the only way to get everything working again is not to just close the program and reopen it, but restart my entire computer.

Given that I am usually in the middle of work-related projects when this comes up, this makes me rather :T about the whole thing. I know it's not unique to the computer itself, either--I've only ever run into the issue on my work laptop, but--I've had two! They upgraded us just a few months ago, and I thought that would solve the problem, but apparently not. It doesn't happen every day, and it HAS gotten better since my laptop was upgraded! But it still occurs, and it is incredibly frustrating to shut everything down and then bring everything back up just so I can change the text on a button or something. (Interestingly, when we were still using CS2 at work, ImageReady would work even when Photoshop bellied-up!)

Am I the only one who has had this problem, because it is severely annoying, sob sob sob.

I also really wish I could draw, because I have been listening 永遠の少年 and it is an amazingly visual song in my head, but--ha ha ha no don't ask me to draw things. They will look like stick-figures or worse. But the lyriiiiiics. 失うまで、逃がさない

In other news it's actually sunny for the first time in a week and on the 18th I am going to the apartment building I am interested in to MAYBE GET A TOUR AND SEE IF I CAN PUT THE ROOM I WANT ON HOLDDDDDdddddd. I need to start cleaning/getting rid of stuff/getting NEW stuff so I am not dependant on tools loaned from roommate. :|a

... man, I should just start telling people to defriend this journal, I am incredibly inane. XD PS GUYS I DON'T MIND IF YOU FIND ME BORING AND WANT TO DEFRIEND ME.
Okay so! What I had been doing forrrrr ... a few months now, was skipping lunch so I could leave work early. It was nice! I liked it! But I finally got called on it, so after today, I have to go back to actually taking my lunch. Which is sad because I can eat in fifteen minutes and be done. Sigh. This has given me cause to start looking at my schedule again, and try to faff around with what I can do with it.

Numbersssssss )
nekokoban: (lalalala)
( Jan. 27th, 2009 10:44 am)

I was going to do a post, I think, talking about travel--I don't do it very much, and honestly, I don't think it counts, because it's basically flying back to Texas to see my parents. The interesting thing for me, though, is that every time I go back to Austin, I am more and more certain that I don't want to live there; it doesn't really feel like "my" city. After fifteen-plus years, I still don't really know the streets and the neighborhoods and the directions except the MOST famous, and Austin is a city where you have to drive--public transportation is pretty damn laughable. Whereas in Seattle, I know where places are, I know where streets are, and I can navigate comfortably in this gray wet windy pacific northwest place.

But. I don't actually mind leaving Seattle--and coming back isn't very exciting. There's always this little part of me that perks up when we land at the airport in Austin, and part of me that deflates when I have to leave. I blame it on my parents--because I know they'll be waiting when I arrive, and they stand and wave at me until I've gone through the security checkpoint when I leave. I talked to Mom a bit about whether they'd move, and for her, Austin is her city. She likes it there, hot summer weather and allergies and everything aside. They've talked sometimes about moving back to Korea, or moving closer to me, but after last week, I'm not sure. Mom says she'd like it if I could inherit their house, which I have mixed feelings about--because it is the house I grew up in, and I love it, but it's in Austin and it's that horrible sinking feeling of knowing your parents won't be there forever. There is going to be a point where I will go back to Austin and they won't be there and I will cry in public even though I hate it. W-wry.

Then I got sidetracked! Life rolls on--I'm back at work again for the first time in nearly two weeks (in a display of the worst timing ever, I got miserably sick for a week, and THEN I went to visit my parents for a week o lulz) and it is madly busy. Some people even noticed I was gone and expressed concern and relief that I was not, in fact, dead. :|b I am also running my first game of CFUW ever, and it's the whole IC CARRYOVER KILL GAME and ahhhhhhhhhh I'm so paranoid. XD IT IS A LOT OF FUN BUT I kind of wish I could've gotten some practice in first, but oh well. Dive in headfirst to the deep end, me! You can do it! Or die trying!

On that note, I thought about doing the "I always wanted to say ..." meme, but I figured I'd do the super-lazy version and leave it in my journal.


Technically IP logging is on but I'm bad with tracking that sort of thing.

A-and if people in CFUD can tell me whether I am overdoing it with wolf or if they're enjoying it or if there's anything I can improve, please please do. ;o;
→ A N O N _ M E M E

I keep telling myself I'll stop doing these, but I'm also one of those people who's just constantly morbidly curious. I have reached some measure of equilibrium with my confidence -- which is to say: I am confident that I am not as bad as I sometimes often think I am, but there is still that whole "as I sometimes think" part. This can and has tripped me up before.

Ultimately, I think I'm better off than I was when I graduated from college, two years ago. Man, that was a weird time for me; while I was extraordinarily lucky in that I had a job coming straight out of school (I was working part-time, took a week off to do graduation and such with my parents, then went to work full-time), it was a very mad time of transitions and freaking out and for the first time in over twenty years I am not a student. There are still things I'm worried about (or in some cases, downright terrified about, haha)! but I think two years of living without my parents' support -- and with their safety-net long-distance -- has helped me a lot in the confidence area.

This doesn't mean that DOOM doesn't worry me, or that even though I consider myself normally very optimistic it's very easy to think the worst of the situation. But somewhere along the way, the fact that "I am an adult, I can and am support myself and still have fun with the same silly happy things I did as a student" has really sunk in. Becoming an adult didn't mean I had to give up the things I liked, which I think on some level, I have always known -- it's just not something I've been able to articulate before without some measure of defensiveness. *g*

[works on the other meme]

o rite: HAPPY BIRTHDAY [ profile] chibimazoku♥♥♥


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