Trufax: It is kind of hilarious to hear the people in the row over trying to remember Patrick Stewart's monologue that opens Star Trek: The Next Generation and failing
, but still dutifully adding in sound effects and music as they remember. :D
I find it kind of hilarious that earlier this week I was whining at harukami
(like I am known to do since she's yet to actually tell me to shut up *g*) about how I want to be ... not famous
necessarily, not a BNF, but -- more read? Have a greater readership? when there have been at least two blowups on my flist dealing with "famous" people in fandoms. One of them is a good friend of mine; the other I don't know at all, though apparently she was in FMA fandom for a while. (Shows what I know: I wandered away from that series yeeeeears ago. Literally years, wow.)
The way fandom politcs are set up, it seems to me you'd almost have to be a BNF to be a well-known ficwriter, but it's like. I feel like at my core I am a storyteller: maybe not the best, and maybe not the most eloquent, but I literally can't go for more than an hour before I'm composing something
in my head, little unconnected scenes that will never see the light of the day. Character tropes that I like but can't concievably write as often as I'd like/want, bits of dialogue that don't fit in the mouths of any character than my own -- hell, I love to summarize stories because it's like a retelling and there's actually some satisfaction in that, too.
is that I am also kind of ... hm. I tell stories because I want to
, but I share stories because I know people are looking. There is a line, and I'm not entirely sure I can articulate it properly. I like to make people happy by entertaining them -- hence sharing stories, but my ongoing loveaffair with smaller fandoms and obscure series tells me that I'm also okay with throwing my stuff out into the void and hope that someday, windfall will come and there'll be someone who enjoys it.
Which ... doesn't actually change the fact that I'm a bit of a whore when it comes to comments. *g* I HAVE MADE PEACE WITH MYSELF ON THIS, because I know essentially I have done all I can to actually make myself "known" on the internet -- I'm too lazy to do hardcore self-pimping ... anywhere, really, so the best I can do is keep writing as best I can, and crosspost when I remember to. I'm sure there are other things I can do, but I've hit a point where this is a ... regret that I can laugh at. I can put my chin in my hands and sigh wistfully, but when you get right down to it, I'm okay.
Because I know I'm a decent writer -- I'm not fantastic, and there are and will always be people who're leaps and bounds better, but I'm competent. I can string words together into a readable sentence and follow a plot; I pay close attention to character-language and action and occasionally freak out at anyone listening if I think I'm straying too far from what I see in canon. *g* I would hazard to say I'm even "good," even if what I excell it are quiet one-scene fics and character interactions as opposed to intricate plots and unexpected twists.
Internet fame is such a fickle thing, though; I have been interacting in online fandoms for ... what, going on twelve years now? (Holy hell
, twelve YEARS.) I still am no closer to figuring out how the fandom collective thinks, and how they decide one thing is awesome and another is boring, or where the chips fall -- anywhere, really. I have loved things that I can't understand why they're not 100x more popular than they are, and looked at manias that sweep my flist and wonder what the hell everyone else is seeing that I'm not.
Part of this, I'm sure, is a vague sort of ... not really envy
, not really: I know quite a number of fairly well-known (in the circles I traverse, at least *g*) writers/artists. I will be bold enough to say that I am, in fact, friends with a number of supremely talented people who are well-acknowledge, and rightfully so, for their talents. The problem is, little dusty me, I feel like the lagging kid sister who can't quiiiiite keep up, but is allowed to play simply by virtue of being small and cute, and not because I'm actually good
Because yeah, I know I'm not bad! But all these people I adore and can chat comfortably with, they're BETTER. I want to be worthy of them! (This, in fact, is kind of a driving force of my life: I want to be good enough
, I want to be worthy enough
to make it worthwhile for the awesome people I'm friends with. Sometimes this manifests as emo angst; other times, it's an inspiration. Ultimately, I think it balances out.)
Naturally, if I were to name these folks, I'm certain most of them would look at me askance and claim they're
not famous, they're not cool enough for that, blahblahblah. That is okay, though, because everyone else knows the truth.
And maybe that's my problem, too! Maybe I'm too close to myself (yeah, fancy THAT) to see how I stand objectively, as the tiny tiny drop in the fandom pool that I am. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself -- but it's equally likely that I'm actually thinking too much
of myself, heh.
Just. Hey -- hey, out there? If you're reading my fic and enjoying it, thank you. I would appreciate comments and I'd appreciate people talking to/friending me, but ultimately, if you read something of mine and it stays with you and hopefully not as an example of OH GOD NEVER AGAIN *g*
, thank you. I'll keep working hard and trying to become a better writer, and maybe someday, I'll get to shine, too. :)