[fic][Bleach] "Suffer Not Idiots"

[nekokoban]

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE. [spins finger in the air]

Suffer Not Idiots
Bleach
gen -- Zaraki and Yachiru-centric
1005 words
Yachiru is starting to notice boys. Ken-chan is not so amused.
For zinjadu, as a belated birthday present♥ OH MY GOD I THINK I'M SORRY. XD;;

The trouble, it was generally agreed upon, was not so much that Yachiru was Grown Up And Noticing Boys. It wasn't even that she'd grown up to be Quite The Looker, or even that she was disturbingly aware of this fact, flirting shamelessly to distract anyone unlucky enough to be sparring with her.

The problem, as everyone agreed, was that Zaraki Kenpachi hadn't noticed that his vice-captain was now a stunning and vibrant young woman, and thus attracting the eyes of more than a few of the younger shinigami at the academy. If asked, Zaraki would say Yachiru still was small enough to sit on his shoulder, and therefore, was still a little girl.

When you towered over almost everyone else in Soul Society, ratios of bulk never did mean much.

Among the members of the Eleventh Division, there was a betting pool going on -- When Would Some Idiot Speak Directly To Captain Zaraki? was its official title, though it had been nicknamed The Idiot Fund somewhere along the way. The amount was now a respectable sum, and was added to nearly every other week, especially once Yachiru took to hanging out around the students her age, graduating from the Academy. One boy in particular sent her home with flowers in her hair, and the entire Eleventh Division had held their collective breaths, waiting for the response.

Zaraki didn't even notice.

The next week, he put flowers in her hair again, and when Yachiru walked by, Zaraki reached out and plucked one, holding it up. Between his fingers, it looked fragile and tiny and bruised.

"What's this?" he asked. "You been rolling around in the weeds?"

Yachiru put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Ken-chan!" she said. "Those were a gift! You shouldn't just take things like that!"

"A gift? What do you need a worthless thing like that for?" He dropped the flower. "They die faster if you cut 'em, anyway."

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru stomped a foot. "They were still pretty!"

Zaraki stared at her. "You're ... are you all right?" he asked. "Yachiru, you sound strange."

"Jeeze, Ken-chan!" She pouted again and crossed her arms over her chest. It was sort of like (the eavesdropping members of the Eleventh Division agreed, a safe distance away) watching a sparrow try to bully an old mean junkyard dog. "Yamashita-kun gave them to me!"

"Yamashita?" One of Zaraki's eyebrows twitched, just a little. "The hell's that?"

Yachiru continued to pout. "I don't know if I should tell you! Ken-chan, you're being mean!"

"I'm always mean," Zaraki said. "Now who the hell is 'Yamashita'?"

"A boy at the Academy," said Yachiru. "Ken-chan, you'd better not bully him!" She shook a finger at him, her other hand on her hip. "He's really nice, after all!"

"... Ah." There was a strange look on Zaraki's face, like he'd swallowed something sour. "I see."

He didn't say anything else after that, except to order all eavesdroppers to take ten laps around the perimeter of the Seireitei. "The first man to lie down and die will be stuck with cleaning duties for the next ten centuries!" was the final threat before he stalked off.

+++

Yamashita Hiroshi knew exactly where he was going in life.

His grades were consistently good, and his family was wealthy enough to get him a high entry standing whenever he graduated with pretty much any squad he chose. If he could continue improving at the rate he was, he told himself, he could possibly achieve the rank of Vice Captain within his first century.

He knew exactly where he was going, until he turned a corner and ran into a wall that hadn't been there that morning.

Yelping, he stumbled back and rubbed at his bruised nose, glancing up -- and up -- and up.

Zaraki Kenpachi grinned at him -- if it could really be called a grin, though the corners of his mouth were turned up and all his teeth were exposed. "Yo," he said. "You Yamashita?"

"Um," said Hiroshi. "No?"

"Good." Zaraki's not-grin got wider. "I got some stuff to talk with you about."

+++

Rumor traveled fast within Soul Society, especially within the close-knit ranks of the squads and the Academy. Within hours, Zaraki Kenpachi's confrontation with Yamashita Hiroshi had taken on epic proportions. It was the sort of stuff true legends were made of, with angry shouting and cold-faced reactions, drawn swords and flowers dancing on the wind.

When the story finally reached the dorms of the Eleventh Squad, the members put their heads together and confirmed.

In the end, Yumichika won the money in the Idiot Fund.

+++

"Ken-chaaaaaaan." Yachiru scowled as best she could. There were no flowers in her hair today. "Ken-chan, what did you say to Yamashita-kun? He wouldn't even look at me today!"

Zaraki shrugged. "Nothing," he said.

"It wasn't nothiiiing!" Yachiru stomped a foot. "Ken-chan! You bullied him, didn't you?"

"Eh." Zaraki eyed her. "We just had a chat."

Her pout deepened. "Ken-chan! You did bully him! That's not fair at all! And I really liked him!"

"Eh." Zaraki stuck his little finger into his ear and swiveled it a bit. "If he's that much of a coward that a talk between men scares him that much, he's not good enough for you."

"Ken-chan, meanie!"

"Yeah, yeah," Zaraki said. "Not my fault if he can't handle it."

"Ken-chaaaaan! Ken-chan, sometimes I really hate you!"

"Oi, Yachiru, cut that out, I --"

"Ahhhhh! Ken-chan's so mean! Mean! MEAN!"

"Be a little more picky about the men you see!" Zaraki snapped. "If you gotta get together with someone, it'd better be someone who doesn't piss his pants and pass out just talking to me!"

Yachiru stalked after her captain, still pouting. The sounds of their argument carried far and wide; by dinnertime, that story would spread all across Soul Society as well.

Very quietly, a safe distance away, a city-wide Idiot Fund was reborn.

--end--