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(and I hope I haven't crossed it)
I need to find my happy medium.
Which is to say, while I'm really happy with the awesome people I hang out with online, and you guys are faaaabulous♥, I'm feeling a bit distant from my RL friends. There are a number of reasons for that, and not all of them are ones I want to share in public, but part of it comes down to being feeling a bit left out because of their big group games that I have ... not even the slightest part in. There are extenuating circumstances, sure, but it has the same end result of me being very ":\" about it.
The problem is I'm ... not a very outgoing person for the first move. Once you actually make an advance to me, I can usually take it and go -- but. I need a sign that the other person (people) would, in fact, be interested in interacting with me, however -- it's a two-way street. I know that. I need to make myself appear more available, because ... I'm really not. I'm actually rather passive and a bad conversationalist, but I'm not even trying, and I should. Online people are awesomeand someday I will find a way to kidnap everyone to live in my apartment building :(, but I also have an awesome group of friends irl, and I'm ... not seeing them very much.
Granted, part of it is simply the fact that there are subgroups within the main group -- but when you get down to it, some of the people I would really like to see more often/get to know better, I feel like I annoy them by my sheer presence. Recent events have not actually helped this impression at all. |D My self-confidence in how I relate to people irl took a pretty heavy blow fairly recently, and I don't ... really feel personable or outgoing enough that I can make up for that lack of confidence. I wish I could pretend it away, but like the elephant in the room, it's always kind of there, lingering in my head.
Meh.
I know I'm not always good at putting myself out there -- my first instinct is always to withdraw. If I find a situation to be something that I think is actually going to be a longterm problem, I'll speak up, but that takes me a bit of time to get the gumption to do that. Initially, I pull back and I'll blame myself for problems. (The last, at least, I'm getting better; I think I've hit a point where I can actually say "yes, I did some things wrong, but it WAS NOT all me.") And this is a problem, because I want to see people more; I want to be able to hang out IN PERSON with people just as much as I like chatting with them online. I'm doing fabulously with the latter, but ... not so much with the former.
And. Ultimately. I love all of my friends, and I miss them when I don't see them as much as I used to (even if "used to" is only a matter of my perception). I want to be able to do things and see people, but I feel really awkward about asking to get invited to things that have already been set up; it's like being the tag-along that's being indulged, and I don't want that; I'd like to feel like I was invited because my presence was genuinely wanted.
... sometimes, I just want to know that I am a good friend to people. Gods and fishes know I try, but I'm so very failiable as a human being, that a lot of times I worry.
Guys. Guys. I love you. Okay?
I need to find my happy medium.
Which is to say, while I'm really happy with the awesome people I hang out with online, and you guys are faaaabulous♥, I'm feeling a bit distant from my RL friends. There are a number of reasons for that, and not all of them are ones I want to share in public, but part of it comes down to being feeling a bit left out because of their big group games that I have ... not even the slightest part in. There are extenuating circumstances, sure, but it has the same end result of me being very ":\" about it.
The problem is I'm ... not a very outgoing person for the first move. Once you actually make an advance to me, I can usually take it and go -- but. I need a sign that the other person (people) would, in fact, be interested in interacting with me, however -- it's a two-way street. I know that. I need to make myself appear more available, because ... I'm really not. I'm actually rather passive and a bad conversationalist, but I'm not even trying, and I should. Online people are awesome
Granted, part of it is simply the fact that there are subgroups within the main group -- but when you get down to it, some of the people I would really like to see more often/get to know better, I feel like I annoy them by my sheer presence. Recent events have not actually helped this impression at all. |D My self-confidence in how I relate to people irl took a pretty heavy blow fairly recently, and I don't ... really feel personable or outgoing enough that I can make up for that lack of confidence. I wish I could pretend it away, but like the elephant in the room, it's always kind of there, lingering in my head.
Meh.
I know I'm not always good at putting myself out there -- my first instinct is always to withdraw. If I find a situation to be something that I think is actually going to be a longterm problem, I'll speak up, but that takes me a bit of time to get the gumption to do that. Initially, I pull back and I'll blame myself for problems. (The last, at least, I'm getting better; I think I've hit a point where I can actually say "yes, I did some things wrong, but it WAS NOT all me.") And this is a problem, because I want to see people more; I want to be able to hang out IN PERSON with people just as much as I like chatting with them online. I'm doing fabulously with the latter, but ... not so much with the former.
And. Ultimately. I love all of my friends, and I miss them when I don't see them as much as I used to (even if "used to" is only a matter of my perception). I want to be able to do things and see people, but I feel really awkward about asking to get invited to things that have already been set up; it's like being the tag-along that's being indulged, and I don't want that; I'd like to feel like I was invited because my presence was genuinely wanted.
... sometimes, I just want to know that I am a good friend to people. Gods and fishes know I try, but I'm so very failiable as a human being, that a lot of times I worry.
Guys. Guys. I love you. Okay?