nekokoban

Is it just me, or is this day going by excruciatingly slow? I think I've zoned out more today than--pretty much ever, if my worked list is any indication. Days like this is why I started that list, if only to go :| self! what are you doing! But I am just somewhere between z_z and \o_O/ because it's that sort of restless--I want to get out and go walking and then catch a bus back if I'm tired, not ... sit in front of a computer. Unless maybe I'm writing something but ugh. I'm in that vague slump that comes with a) finishing a longer project and b) oh hey older fandoms I haven't touched in over two years, you haven't grown at all in all that time! Ahhhh!

I can't focus on any one thing long enough to figure out something to write! I would do one of those drabble memes, only I have become so horrible at answering them that I feel guilty for asking, and probably people are sick and tired of me offering and then getting distracted. CRY.

Possibly there's a bit of c) I have a long weekend with Sakuracon coming up, so I'm already like =_= CON AND PEOPLE AND FREE TIME.

On the other hand, I have been experimenting with yWriter and while I still desperately want to try Scrivener, I am just not a Mac person. So unless someday it gets open-sourced and a PC version is developed, I will have to find alternatives, and yWriter isn't bad! For the most part it's got a lot of really awesome features and parts that I enjoy, and it's helped with outlining/setting up notes. The only thing is that I am covetous of the corkboard that Scrivener has, because none of the PC writing programs I've seen lay things out in such a cleanly visual way--they all seem to build their timelines/lists based on your input and addition of characters, rather than letting you set something up in quasi-linear fashion like Scrivener does. Covet, covet, covet. :( LONG STORY SHORT--I have a shiny new writing program I want to break in, and have to some extent, but I want more! I want focus! Why is that so hard for me!

Also, why is there such a lack of Asian-inspired cultures in fantasy novels? So much is very clearly European-or-at-least-western, and if they want something "exotic," there's a culture that's based on Arabic cultures. Asian ones don't exist, unless I am not looking in the right places; please point me there if you know them!

Ahhhhhh I want to write and yet my inspiration is like fffft. The spirit is willing, but the brain is weak, something like that.

* Sometimes, I really wish I could just post snippets of lyrics to my LJ without feeling ridiculous about it. And granted, I find it irritating, pretentious, or kind of dumb when I see people do it, but there are times where I am like, I really like these lyrics, I feel like repeating them and I am in the office and I cannot sing aloud. I've done it once or twice in my twitter, but I'm still sort of \O_o/ about doing it. IT FEELS SILLY. /o\

* A few weeks ago, there was a post on my flist about how dark and angsty =/= artistic merit. I would agree with this wholeheartedly, and extend that to life as well. Dear people, just because I am normally a cheerful person who just sort of floats and isn't always weighed down by the troubles of the world and my deficient personality, it does not make me stupid or childish. Your angst and drama does not make you a deeper or more worthy person than me. I will punch you in the face; then you will have physical pain to go with your spiritual, THEN WHAT. I've had this problem all my life, honestly--less with people online and more with people I know/interact with in my daily life.

It frustrates me, because sometimes, hey! I have bad days too! And then I wonder if there's a point to that attitude, if maybe it really--but then, no. No. :\ I've grown to a point where I resent the implication that I am somehow dumb because I like a happy ending, or that I will see the glass as half-full. Online, the problem is more about things you write, and the "artistic merit" of fiction itself, which ... okay, I mean, a well-done BAD END or bittersweet ending is totally cool with me. I like some stuff that's bleak! But a lot of times, it just wears me out--it doesn't make me think, it just makes me want to curl up and sleep for a week. SEE ALSO: my reaction to The Dark Knight. On its own merits, I think it was a fantastic movie, but god, it wore me out, and it didn't really make me think, because I was too busy being worn out by the relentness SHIT GOING DOWN. I liked 9 much better, because inexplicable as parts were, as spotty as the dialogue and plot sometimes was, there was hope, and I appreciated that. 9 made me think, actually, though I'd probably need to see it again before I could articulate any of it.

And okay, I have this Thing for horror stories, or endings that are weird and not entirely explained; I like Lovecraft and Poe and King. My greatest enthusiasm is for running horror stories, and not necessarily ones that are hooked on Twists And Plots, but just ... horrible things! Weird things! Monsters in the closet and things going bump in the night and the sinking feeling that the nightmare isn't over, just paused temporarily. I love stuff like that! --but I also want my happy ending, where people get through horror safe and sound, or maybe never encountered it at all. And I suppose my point is that ultimately, I don't think there is more "merit" in a story where the creeping horror drives someone insane and leaves the rest of the party with the sinking sensation that they are next vs a well-done quiet people-being-happy-and-people story. They both have their strengths, and they ping on different things, and let's face it: I feel like gratuitous amounts of ANYTHING (angst, horror, fluff, kitchen sinks) drags down the so-called intelligence level of something. Maybe there is something childlike about just letting oneself be taken into the immersion of a story, but I think the world could stand a little more of that. Sometimes we don't have to be (sometimes I don't want to be) the jaded cynical cool critic--sometimes it's nice to just be the kid who believes in everything, even if it's only forthe space of one story.

* Yesterday I was emailing back and forth with inarticulate re: f/f pairings, only we ended up talking about genderswitch fics instead. :|a A LOT OF IT WAS ACTUALLY CONTEXTUAL, looking back on those emails, but what it really boiled down to me was: 1) dude, fandom, please realize that the touching/charged/etc/etc scenes you squee about when your two favorite waiwai prettyboys are together would still be legitimate if one of them were female because man, while I identify as female, that is only one thing of many that defines me; 2) klsdjflaheot why do I not write more gen, why do I fall into the pairing-fic trap more than I want to. :( I sort of go in cycles; sometimes I am all about reading stuff that has porn in it! and other times I'm like that's boring, why is there so much sex in fandom, can I just have a nice long casefic, please. RIGHT NOW I AM ON THE LATTER. But even in long casefic, apparently I like it when there are pairings, so is that really gen? I have no idea. \o_O/

Then we got into a tangent about Subtext and how it exists in fandom, and sob. While I am someone who tends to label on the safe side (I did not touch the huge debate that sparked a few months ago, but while I don't care particularly much as a reader, as a writer I err on the side of caution), it sort of makes me wonder--when do you label something as gen? Or as a pairingfic? If you have two characters that you-as-the-writer (or the reader) ship, and all they're doing is interacting in platonic ways, is that gen? Is it pairing? Pre-slash? Is the important thing authorial intent (which enough english majors have told me only counts for very little) or what the reader sees in it? If people have problems with NO GAY!!1 why are they reading 07-Ghost?

* \o_O/ is my new favorite emoticon.

* TERRA IS WRITING ORIGINAL FICTION. SOMETHING IS WRONG IN THE WORLD.

* --Hi.

So apparently it's like, "BEAT STRESS!1!" month at work, in that we're getting this little posters and contests and what to prove how UNSTRESSED you are.

Which is awesome solely because one of their tips is "get 6-8 hours of sleep a night."

And I totally get six hours. Sometimes? I even get six and a half. Beat THAT. All of you people who yell at me for my sleeping habits can yell no more! I am within what I require to beat stress! \o/

Sob, can you tell I'm incredibly scatterbrained and flighty today, and am having trouble focusing on. ... anything, really ...



CFUD goes here.

Ye holy undead fish in the crockpot of doom,

(I've decided I want to make up new and interesting ephitets to use; this will last until I forget, which ... could be in an hour, who knows)

I am in that peculiar state of being AWAKE and ALERT and also REALLY SLEEPY at the same time. I mean, I woke up this morning convinced and happy "but at least I don't have to go to work tomorrow!" even though I was fully aware tomorrow is Friday, and still a work day. I don't know. Maybe it was because I forgot to eat dinner last night. It was terribly peculiar, because I'm certain there was a point I told someone "I haven't eaten yet, I should do that!" and then got distracted by something shiny. It's never that I don't want to eat, guys; I am just apparently EASILY DISTRACTED at times. Story of my life. I made up for it by actually having breakfast this morning, though, so I still win!

With that in mind, before I forget: Pointer: I have written some Pandora Hearts ficlets over at character-journal.

--See, I feel bad because I don't feel like I've WRITTEN anything worthwhile for ... a month or so? Which isn't entirely true, as I do have Super Awesome Secret Project, but that isn't quiiiite ready to be shared yet. :( B-but at the same time, I feel like I've been slacking off; I am once again in that place of "I waaaant to but I dunno whaaaat" and it's. A little frustrating! Or I have some ideas, but they're kind of nebulous and involve one-line exclamations. "I want to write Haruka meeting Soujoubou!" or "I want to write dubious het!" or "Let's get started on the next imaginarybeasts story!" and the suchlike; which is all well and good and awesome, except for the part where I sit down and my attention wanders and it's suddenly two hours later. :(

It's like I can either do that or sit around and pontificate (in text) at length about how X song is like Y character or Z series and isn't that great!! except that's just me listening to myself talk. Uh.

hey guys, hey guys, what do you do to break writer's block? I WOULD LOVE SUGGESTIONS BECAUSE MY HEAD, IT IS BLOCK'D. :(b

FIRST OF ALL, A PIMP! For the record, I do not actually ship the Medicine Seller with anyone. To me, he's a completely asexual being, though I'll write anything at least once -- maybe twice, if interested. *g* However, there is this song:

The Hush Sound - Medicine Man

that is, for me, a Kayo-->Medicine Seller song. It is also super-catchy and I can hear Chira laughing at me all the way over here. :|b

Now, the actual post! This is something I have nattered about before, multiple times, but then this post by Laylah (over on IJ) got me thinking about it again -- that, and the fact that I had this emo spat over the weekend which is gone now, like DUUuuUUUuSSST in the WIIIiIIIiinnnnd-- don't make me sing, guys, you'll regret it forever and ever. :(

But more seriously, what Laylah was talking about is something I've seen before -- granted, not in the same context as her -- her creative writing classes -- mooooostly because. Well. I took only one creative writing class, and that was back in high school a-and I realized that, um. Most of the people were taking it for an easy grade (our teacher was a super-sweet woman, but prone to be overly-forgiving of deadlines and the like), or were the sort of Arteests that I can't stand. What I do have is roughly twelve years (?!?!?!) of active-ish participation on the internet and fandoms, though less now than when I first started out. And it's really not unusual, sadly, to see people declare that things must have ANGST and ANNNNGST and YET MORE ANGST in order to be "deep" or "meaningful" or -- and I think this is the worst bullshit of all -- be "worthy writing."

This isn't to say that I think dark/angsty things don't have redeeming value -- sometimes, a story just needs to be dark. There are times when that's just how the cards fall, and that's awesome! But that doesn't make it any more artistic or a better read than a happy story -- a comedy has just as much potential to be poignant and touching and move you as much as a tragedy. (Perhaps not the modern slapstick comedy so much, no, but hell, much as I hate the genre, that's part of the appeal of "romantic comedies," isn't it?)

However, I think I'd expand that -- and I'll make a confession:

I really don't like "tragically noble" types.

Nine times out of ten, noble suffering gets my hackles up and just ... irritates me. Stop me if you've heard this story -- someone is wrongly accused of HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS!1! and is punished for them, but believes THEY DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT!1!!! because somewhere along the way, they've at least partly internalized the world's finger-pointing, and now they have TRAGIC NOBLE ANGST as they struggle valiantly to NOT LET HISTORY'S MISTAKES REPEAT THEMSEEEEEEELVES!

I just. I can't. Oh my god, when I run into characters like that, I want to whack them on the back and say CHEER UP EMO KID because-- well. That's kind of what Noble Tragics do to me. This is not to say I dislike them all, because I believe there are exceptions to every rule, but as a general whole? No thank you.

That's not to say my favorite sort of angsty character -- I am super-super weak the smiling "I've got a secret" ones who play their parts as tricksters and jokesters and yet have terrible, terrible backstory (cough cough gee, I wonder who in my current fandom(s) are like that :p) -- aren't irritating, either. But the thing is, I like that element of lightness and comedy to a character. Even if it's ultimately a charade -- though with my favorites, I would argue it's NOT -- it feels, to me, like they have more depth than your Noble Tragic or your Quiet Brooder. The Fake Smile has at least two notes to their personality, even if you don't see the second note till it's almost too late.

And honestly, guys, what is UP with hating on characters just because they're happy? Why is a character shallow if he/she is outgoing and upbeat and prefers a smile over a frown? Why are they seen as idiots compared to their angstier companions? (I mean, all right, the general rule in fiction is that happier characters might not be as bright academically, but they tend to have very good instincts emotionally -- and normally they have some pretty insightful views/beliefs on human nature and the heart. AND EVEN THEN, that's not always the case; there are plenty of happy characters who're academically smart as well.)

Just. I don't know, I can't speak for the world as a whole, but for myself? I actually feel a lot more satisfied with a happy ending than a tragic one -- I find a story that ends with hope infinitely preferable to the downward spiral finally hitting rock-bottom. I think that's why characters matter so much to me -- I will forgive a weaker plot if characters are awesome, but an awesome plot with lukewarm characters or even a wannabe awesome plot insert rant about certain games that anyone who's actually talked to me know what I mean usually loses my interest super-fast.

I have to like your characters before their tragedies mean anything to me -- and I grow to care about characters by seeing their joys.

Part of it is that, like I said in my comment to Laylah, fiction isn't all escapism for me. Or more accurately, storytelling isn't escapism: I do it all the time. "There was this thing that happened to me and a friend," or "I'd heard that this was--" or "oh man, I just got back from [xx]." And my life, guys, is not all tragedy and woe -- it's not even a LITTLE tragedy and woe. Most of my angst comes from internal sources, rather than the world dropkicking me like a game of hackeysack.

There are so many little joys in life. Missing out on that is a terrible thing, imo.

TL;DR version: I think angsty characters are actually more shallow and one-dimensional than happy ones. It is so easy to find something to be sad about, guys. There are times where the stronger person is the one who looks past the grim and the dirt and ugly twisted sadnesses and sees the beautiful underneath.

Next time, I think I might awaken on a bandwagon and do that not-quite-a-question-meme that mackzazzle started. :|b

Okay, seriously: is the internet just sort of deadsies recently? Noooooo, how will I stay entertaiiiiiined~ Or have I just somehow developed a really skewed view of how things are because my short-term memory is not unlike a gerbil on crack? I swear to fishes and cake that things just sort of ... dropped, just a little before the new year. It's like everyone went into celebratory drunken orgies early and haven't yet woken up from the post-holiday hangovers. :(

EITHER THAT or I have evolved into a being that lives time faster than the rest of the world, so that five real seconds is five hours to me. Both are about equally likely, especially knowing my attention span. :\

A-also, I swear the last time I looked at the people who friended me, the number was signifigantly smaller. HI EVERYONE NEW god I feel more than a little self-conscious right now, ahahaha. Um.

Since I'm about to go on lunch break, let's have a recycled meme. :|b

Ask me about a character and I will give you at least three (3) pieces of my personal fanon for said character. BONUS: with proper encouragement, I will write flashfic to expand any particular point.

And if for some truly bizarre reason people are curious to ask me about anything else at all, JUST HIT ME! o/ I want to get to know all you new people, but even the ones I've friended for filters haven't been posting much very recently. T_____Tb

yaoi_challenge fics DONE!
springkink ONE MORE TO GO!
het_challenge ....... I HAVE MORE TIME THAN I THOUGHT! D:
The desire to write longfic TOTALLY NOT IN ANY OF THE FANDOMS I HAVE CHALLENGES FOR: A++++++ double-check yes!

...

So yesterday I had lunch with my cousin (which is really weird when I think about it, because while a lot of my friends have family in the area, I ... really don't; they're in Texas, Connecticut, and LA). She's very nice, despite being ~five years older than me and us having little to nothing in common but blood (I am the second-youngest in my family on both sides, and C is actually closer to me in age than most, as the majority of them are ... in their late thirties by now? yikes), though conversation was a bit peculiar. I mean, it's weird to say "I visited S and her kids" and know that not only does C know them, C is ALSO related to them.

... this is a novelty to me, okay. :p

But then she hopped a train to Portland and I went shopping; I got my groceries for the week and the first eight volumes of Tsubasa (which I'd been borrowing from a friend in their uber-shiny hardback with full color and other goodies version -- I just got the regular-sized tankoban), then spent the evening rereading them.

TYING THIS BACK TO LUNCH WITH MY COUSIN, I -- um. I wondered.

What do non-fandom people (the mainstream people, the ones who look askance at you when you say you play video games, who have these strained smiles and ask "oh, like kid's books?" when you say you like comics, who think that you're actually using a secret code word for porn when you say you're into anime/manga -- and I could make a joke here about fandom but I'll leave it) DO for fun?

No seriously.

As far back as I can remember, I've always been geeking on some aspect of fandom (and oh, the Mary Sues that never left the safety of my head!), even before I discovered the internet. If you look at the disaster zone that's my room, it's all either a) old school-related stuff or b) FANDOM.

Whiiiiiich may actually be construed as kind of lame, but I keep myself entertained!

I just sort of wondered "how DOES the other side keep themselves from being bored?" and.

Also it's Sunday and my roommates are out/at work/not HERE so I'm just left with a cat for company, which is good for harrassing, but not so much for hashing things out.

P.S. Cockvore exists in this world. And by that I do not mean that the cock gets eaten, but that the COCK EATS YOU (soviet cock?).

O FANDOM NEVER STOP BEING ENTERTAINING, EVEN IN HORRIBLE WAYS.