nekokoban

→ A N O N _ M E M E

I keep telling myself I'll stop doing these, but I'm also one of those people who's just constantly morbidly curious. I have reached some measure of equilibrium with my confidence -- which is to say: I am confident that I am not as bad as I sometimes often think I am, but there is still that whole "as I sometimes think" part. This can and has tripped me up before.

Ultimately, I think I'm better off than I was when I graduated from college, two years ago. Man, that was a weird time for me; while I was extraordinarily lucky in that I had a job coming straight out of school (I was working part-time, took a week off to do graduation and such with my parents, then went to work full-time), it was a very mad time of transitions and freaking out and for the first time in over twenty years I am not a student. There are still things I'm worried about (or in some cases, downright terrified about, haha)! but I think two years of living without my parents' support -- and with their safety-net long-distance -- has helped me a lot in the confidence area.

This doesn't mean that DOOM doesn't worry me, or that even though I consider myself normally very optimistic it's very easy to think the worst of the situation. But somewhere along the way, the fact that "I am an adult, I can and am support myself and still have fun with the same silly happy things I did as a student" has really sunk in. Becoming an adult didn't mean I had to give up the things I liked, which I think on some level, I have always known -- it's just not something I've been able to articulate before without some measure of defensiveness. *g*

[works on the other meme]


o rite: HAPPY BIRTHDAY chibimazoku♥♥♥

REPOSTED from Sora's character journal, mostly because I actually really like these cracktheories and because it's meta I like to keep. :(b

( SO I AM REPLAYING KHII )

For the first time in months -- monnnnnnnnnthsssssssss -- our work queue is single-digits! Of course, now that I've said that, I have inevitably doomed us to be back to triple-digits by this weekend, but for the moment there is that vaguely-cheerful, mostly-frazzled feeling that comes from a sudden deep breath in the midst of workworkwork. It doesn't help, either, that I've been sort of. Not sleeping? At least for me -- I find I can actually function surprisingly well on six and a half hours of sleep, it just ... sort of comes that I hit my second wind of HAY GUYZ HAY GUYZ right around when I should be going to bed. Whoops?

BUT I ACTUALLY FEEL PRETTY GOOD o/ I DON'T KNOW IF THIS MEANS BAD THINGS OR NOT o/

(Actually it means that I'm. Procrastinating on a lot of things because I sit down and think HOKAY WE GONNA DU DIS THAAAAANG and find that my brain power is actually about nil when it comes to comitting. I have a lot of things I agreed/planned to write before the end of this month, but instead. I. Want to write horrible terrible things -- and then I can't even get the brainpower to pull THAT off, either. Seriously, how hard should it really be to write things that make people go orz at me? NOT THAT HARD and yet. Here I am. I kind of really fail, don't I. o/;;)

In lieu of actually working on that, though, guys, guys! ( I'm going to talk about my experiences in fandom, which people who've known me forever and a day, like Haru and Chira, have actually personally experienced me going through. :|b )

...

ETA TL;DR VERSION: Create because you love to do it! (That's why I do.) Share because people are looking this way! (That's also what I do.) The two are not mutually exclusive. Take away my internet and I still write (and write a LOT), though I miss the people.

Right, god, that was really long. NOW I AM GOING TO SEE IF ALL THE ENABLEMENT PEOPLE GAVE ME LAST NIGHT TRANSLATES INTO PRODUCTIVITY FOR THE REST OF MY LUNCH BREAK. o/

FIRST OF ALL, A PIMP! For the record, I do not actually ship the Medicine Seller with anyone. To me, he's a completely asexual being, though I'll write anything at least once -- maybe twice, if interested. *g* However, there is this song:

The Hush Sound - Medicine Man

that is, for me, a Kayo-->Medicine Seller song. It is also super-catchy and I can hear Chira laughing at me all the way over here. :|b

Now, the actual post! This is something I have nattered about before, multiple times, but then this post by Laylah (over on IJ) got me thinking about it again -- that, and the fact that I had this emo spat over the weekend which is gone now, like DUUuuUUUuSSST in the WIIIiIIIiinnnnd-- don't make me sing, guys, you'll regret it forever and ever. :(

But more seriously, what Laylah was talking about is something I've seen before -- granted, not in the same context as her -- her creative writing classes -- mooooostly because. Well. I took only one creative writing class, and that was back in high school a-and I realized that, um. Most of the people were taking it for an easy grade (our teacher was a super-sweet woman, but prone to be overly-forgiving of deadlines and the like), or were the sort of Arteests that I can't stand. What I do have is roughly twelve years (?!?!?!) of active-ish participation on the internet and fandoms, though less now than when I first started out. And it's really not unusual, sadly, to see people declare that things must have ANGST and ANNNNGST and YET MORE ANGST in order to be "deep" or "meaningful" or -- and I think this is the worst bullshit of all -- be "worthy writing."

This isn't to say that I think dark/angsty things don't have redeeming value -- sometimes, a story just needs to be dark. There are times when that's just how the cards fall, and that's awesome! But that doesn't make it any more artistic or a better read than a happy story -- a comedy has just as much potential to be poignant and touching and move you as much as a tragedy. (Perhaps not the modern slapstick comedy so much, no, but hell, much as I hate the genre, that's part of the appeal of "romantic comedies," isn't it?)

However, I think I'd expand that -- and I'll make a confession:

I really don't like "tragically noble" types.

Nine times out of ten, noble suffering gets my hackles up and just ... irritates me. Stop me if you've heard this story -- someone is wrongly accused of HORRIBLE TERRIBLE THINGS!1! and is punished for them, but believes THEY DESERVE THIS PUNISHMENT!1!!! because somewhere along the way, they've at least partly internalized the world's finger-pointing, and now they have TRAGIC NOBLE ANGST as they struggle valiantly to NOT LET HISTORY'S MISTAKES REPEAT THEMSEEEEEEELVES!

I just. I can't. Oh my god, when I run into characters like that, I want to whack them on the back and say CHEER UP EMO KID because-- well. That's kind of what Noble Tragics do to me. This is not to say I dislike them all, because I believe there are exceptions to every rule, but as a general whole? No thank you.

That's not to say my favorite sort of angsty character -- I am super-super weak the smiling "I've got a secret" ones who play their parts as tricksters and jokesters and yet have terrible, terrible backstory (cough cough gee, I wonder who in my current fandom(s) are like that :p) -- aren't irritating, either. But the thing is, I like that element of lightness and comedy to a character. Even if it's ultimately a charade -- though with my favorites, I would argue it's NOT -- it feels, to me, like they have more depth than your Noble Tragic or your Quiet Brooder. The Fake Smile has at least two notes to their personality, even if you don't see the second note till it's almost too late.

And honestly, guys, what is UP with hating on characters just because they're happy? Why is a character shallow if he/she is outgoing and upbeat and prefers a smile over a frown? Why are they seen as idiots compared to their angstier companions? (I mean, all right, the general rule in fiction is that happier characters might not be as bright academically, but they tend to have very good instincts emotionally -- and normally they have some pretty insightful views/beliefs on human nature and the heart. AND EVEN THEN, that's not always the case; there are plenty of happy characters who're academically smart as well.)

Just. I don't know, I can't speak for the world as a whole, but for myself? I actually feel a lot more satisfied with a happy ending than a tragic one -- I find a story that ends with hope infinitely preferable to the downward spiral finally hitting rock-bottom. I think that's why characters matter so much to me -- I will forgive a weaker plot if characters are awesome, but an awesome plot with lukewarm characters or even a wannabe awesome plot insert rant about certain games that anyone who's actually talked to me know what I mean usually loses my interest super-fast.

I have to like your characters before their tragedies mean anything to me -- and I grow to care about characters by seeing their joys.

Part of it is that, like I said in my comment to Laylah, fiction isn't all escapism for me. Or more accurately, storytelling isn't escapism: I do it all the time. "There was this thing that happened to me and a friend," or "I'd heard that this was--" or "oh man, I just got back from [xx]." And my life, guys, is not all tragedy and woe -- it's not even a LITTLE tragedy and woe. Most of my angst comes from internal sources, rather than the world dropkicking me like a game of hackeysack.

There are so many little joys in life. Missing out on that is a terrible thing, imo.

TL;DR version: I think angsty characters are actually more shallow and one-dimensional than happy ones. It is so easy to find something to be sad about, guys. There are times where the stronger person is the one who looks past the grim and the dirt and ugly twisted sadnesses and sees the beautiful underneath.

Next time, I think I might awaken on a bandwagon and do that not-quite-a-question-meme that mackzazzle started. :|b

Trufax: It is kind of hilarious to hear the people in the row over trying to remember Patrick Stewart's monologue that opens Star Trek: The Next Generation and failing, but still dutifully adding in sound effects and music as they remember. :D

I find it kind of hilarious that earlier this week I was whining at harukami (like I am known to do since she's yet to actually tell me to shut up *g*) about how I want to be ... not famous necessarily, not a BNF, but -- more read? Have a greater readership? when there have been at least two blowups on my flist dealing with "famous" people in fandoms. One of them is a good friend of mine; the other I don't know at all, though apparently she was in FMA fandom for a while. (Shows what I know: I wandered away from that series yeeeeears ago. Literally years, wow.)

The way fandom politcs are set up, it seems to me you'd almost have to be a BNF to be a well-known ficwriter, but it's like. I feel like at my core I am a storyteller: maybe not the best, and maybe not the most eloquent, but I literally can't go for more than an hour before I'm composing something in my head, little unconnected scenes that will never see the light of the day. Character tropes that I like but can't concievably write as often as I'd like/want, bits of dialogue that don't fit in the mouths of any character than my own -- hell, I love to summarize stories because it's like a retelling and there's actually some satisfaction in that, too.

The downside is that I am also kind of ... hm. I tell stories because I want to, but I share stories because I know people are looking. There is a line, and I'm not entirely sure I can articulate it properly. I like to make people happy by entertaining them -- hence sharing stories, but my ongoing loveaffair with smaller fandoms and obscure series tells me that I'm also okay with throwing my stuff out into the void and hope that someday, windfall will come and there'll be someone who enjoys it.

Which ... doesn't actually change the fact that I'm a bit of a whore when it comes to comments. *g* I HAVE MADE PEACE WITH MYSELF ON THIS, because I know essentially I have done all I can to actually make myself "known" on the internet -- I'm too lazy to do hardcore self-pimping ... anywhere, really, so the best I can do is keep writing as best I can, and crosspost when I remember to. I'm sure there are other things I can do, but I've hit a point where this is a ... regret that I can laugh at. I can put my chin in my hands and sigh wistfully, but when you get right down to it, I'm okay.

Because I know I'm a decent writer -- I'm not fantastic, and there are and will always be people who're leaps and bounds better, but I'm competent. I can string words together into a readable sentence and follow a plot; I pay close attention to character-language and action and occasionally freak out at anyone listening if I think I'm straying too far from what I see in canon. *g* I would hazard to say I'm even "good," even if what I excell it are quiet one-scene fics and character interactions as opposed to intricate plots and unexpected twists.

Internet fame is such a fickle thing, though; I have been interacting in online fandoms for ... what, going on twelve years now? (Holy hell, twelve YEARS.) I still am no closer to figuring out how the fandom collective thinks, and how they decide one thing is awesome and another is boring, or where the chips fall -- anywhere, really. I have loved things that I can't understand why they're not 100x more popular than they are, and looked at manias that sweep my flist and wonder what the hell everyone else is seeing that I'm not.

Part of this, I'm sure, is a vague sort of ... not really envy, not really: I know quite a number of fairly well-known (in the circles I traverse, at least *g*) writers/artists. I will be bold enough to say that I am, in fact, friends with a number of supremely talented people who are well-acknowledge, and rightfully so, for their talents. The problem is, little dusty me, I feel like the lagging kid sister who can't quiiiiite keep up, but is allowed to play simply by virtue of being small and cute, and not because I'm actually good enough.

Because yeah, I know I'm not bad! But all these people I adore and can chat comfortably with, they're BETTER. I want to be worthy of them! (This, in fact, is kind of a driving force of my life: I want to be good enough, I want to be worthy enough to make it worthwhile for the awesome people I'm friends with. Sometimes this manifests as emo angst; other times, it's an inspiration. Ultimately, I think it balances out.)

Naturally, if I were to name these folks, I'm certain most of them would look at me askance and claim they're not famous, they're not cool enough for that, blahblahblah. That is okay, though, because everyone else knows the truth. :|b

And maybe that's my problem, too! Maybe I'm too close to myself (yeah, fancy THAT) to see how I stand objectively, as the tiny tiny drop in the fandom pool that I am. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself -- but it's equally likely that I'm actually thinking too much of myself, heh.

Just. Hey -- hey, out there? If you're reading my fic and enjoying it, thank you. I would appreciate comments and I'd appreciate people talking to/friending me, but ultimately, if you read something of mine and it stays with you and hopefully not as an example of OH GOD NEVER AGAIN *g*, thank you. I'll keep working hard and trying to become a better writer, and maybe someday, I'll get to shine, too. :)