meme!

[nekokoban]

Because I promised I'd do this like ... uh. Last week? But what with the LJ kerfluffles, having a guest, and being MAD DISTRACTABLE, I never got around to it -- on the other hand, I've been poking anyone I see on my flist with this, so I figured I'd return the favor. :)

Leave a comment if you want to know what I really think of you, and I'll reply and tell you. No lies, all honesty.*

♥

* Unless I don't actually know you -- if we've not talked a lot, but you're on my flist, you can generally assume I find you a nice, interesting person, and then I'm going to go TOTALLY LEFT FIELD and spin you a story about how you saved my life from fish-people or angry zombie squirrels. :D

Comments

[coramegan.livejournal.com]

Please?

[nekokoban]

Aha~

First off, I want to say that your sheer determination and bloody-minded perserverance in the face of being a medical student is incredible. I'm forever and always in awe of you medical students in sheer not bellying up and going under with all the stresses heaped upon you. You're holding up under all that better than I think you give yourself credit for, which is pretty fantastic.

That said, I sometimes get the feeling that you're way too focused on the RPs you're in. You get *so* focused on them and the people involved with them, that for people who aren't involved (like myself), it's really hard to hang out and just geek like we used to; it's kind of off-putting to be at a group shindig and have you announce that all you can't wait to get home and write, like you'd rather be doing that than hanging out with all the rest of us. I don't think you do it on purpose, but there are times where you come across as rather dismissive of things that don't interest you, and I feel like I can't actually share a lot of the things I like or I'm enthusiastic about with you because me, I don't take rejection very well, and if I can avoid feeling like a putz for fangirling something I like, I'll just stay silent. I honestly don't feel like I know you as well as I used to, and I find that really sad, because I genuinely like you, and I consider you still a very good friend -- I just also feel like because I'm not in any RPs with you, I'm something to be occasionally tolerated as an amusement, but not someone to actually geek with, and I miss that.

I, er, hope you don't take this as an attack, because it's not meant to be; I do think you're a fantastic person, and one who's come a long way since we've met -- I just miss not being as close to you as I used to be, and it feels less because of time/distance and more because I'm not in on the club of RPers. ^^;

[coramegan.livejournal.com]

I really wish you'd told me sooner that I was coming off like this. It was never my intention. I am pretty single minded in my love for RP. I think it comes from having time limitations that others don't. I enjoy spending time with you and I'm always glad when you come along or I get to see you. I'll try to work harder on this in the future. I want to know about the things you like because it's likely I'll enjoy them too. I know you have good taste.

[nekokoban]

Been thinking a bit since the phone call.

The thing is, Cora, I have mentioned it before -- I know for a fact I've told you before, "I'm not interested in hanging out with people who're talking about something insular to them." I can even tell you exactly when this happened, and the circumstances leading up to it. I know I've pointed out to you "what, you just want to go write?" when you say things like that at group settings.

I know we've talked about this on the phone, but I seriously don't think this is something we should drop here. It's okay because I'm not mad, but it's not okay because this has been building, and it's something that needs to be fully aired; I think this is something better talking about in person than the phone.

You are my friend and I do love you, but I refuse to coddle this. I'd really appreciate if we could talk about this, face-to-face.

[coramegan.livejournal.com]

I agree we should talk about this in person. I agree this is a serious matter (three people have used that meme to tell me about this now) and I don't intend to let it drop or just continue the way things have been. I'm sorry I haven't been receptive and this has built so long; I want to make changes and do better in the future. It's really weighing on my mind and making me feel sick and has been for two days now. I'm having a lot of guilt and frustration with my inability to resolve this quickly by just coming to see you and talk with you about this. My next shift starts at 8:00 pm tonight; if you get home at 7:30, there isn't really a way for us to meet or talk. I hope you don't think I'm being blithe or flippant about this matter. I can't talk long lest they figure out I'm not working. The stress of this rotation has made it harder to work through this without becoming emotional and I apologize for that. I know I've hurt you, and others in the group as well, and I'm very sorry. The solution, as I see it, is for me to make effort to spend time with all of my friends, not just those I see in gaming sessions. And to remember that there are a lot of things I enjoy doing with you guys, not just RP. I plan to be more careful in what I say, but besides these things, I don't know what I can do to mend this wrong I've done. If there's something I'm missing, I want to know. I'm trying really really hard here. I hope I can make amends and be forgiven. I tried to email this to you at...4:03 am, but didn't have a working email address for you on me at the time.

[nekokoban]

Right, then: Cora, I'm really not mad.

You haven't done anything that would actually make me angry, and if I were, you'd definitely know the difference, trust me. I'm just sort of wry and a bit resigned, really, because in the end, it's not our job as friends to police your behavior, or even judge you on it; we're here to support you, and be your friends. And sometimes that does mean calling you on behavior that isn't cool -- but it's like I told you on the phone, ultimately, it'll come down to your choice and how you hold yourself. You're not a bad person, you just tend to fixate, and that is not always a bad thing.

Guilt and recriminations aren't what's necessary here; there literally isn't anything to "make up" for. This is just a matter of how you take what you've been told and apply it in the future, and whether it's a permanent change or just one that lasts until you're comfortable again. Believe me, I know how that goes: it's entirely too easy to grow passive and complacent with the changes you wanted to make in yourself, and that ultimately leads to defeat of those changes.

Maybe the others are nicer and more forgiving than I am, and I don't try to be a jerk deliberately, but I've had friends walk over me and my good intentions before, and when it gets to the point where I was seriously considering telling Jessie I'd rather you NOT come over and just have her go to your place whenever you two get together because it really sucks to be "hanging out" with you two and only be the third wheel -- there's something wrong with that, I think. And I have the confidence in you to believe you don't mean it, which is why I'm telling you.

I'm not angry, Cora -- I'm just not coddling, because I genuinely believe that it might suck in the short term, but it's better in the long run to be honest.

[coramegan.livejournal.com]

You say that you're not angry, but I find that hard to believe with the things you've said. I recognize I've really hurt you. And I'm sorry. But thinking about this and worrying about it have begun to interfere with my work. I want to make this right, but besides apologizing and committing myself to making changes in my behavior I don't know what else to do.