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After having a variation of this conversation three times last night (no joke) and some other events tossing and turning around, I got to thinking a bit. THERE IS PERSONAL META AHEAD, FEEL FREE TO SKIP.
So, overall, I like to think of myself as a very upbeat and cheerful person. Whether this is true or not is a little beside the point -- this is how I concieve of myself, and this is how I imagine myself in context of society and the others I interact with. I think of myself as shy with new people, but very loud and outspoken with the folks that I know and feel comfortable enough to relax around. I have my jaded moments and my cynical periods, but overall? I think I have a very positive zen outlook on life and the people I'm around. Generally speaking, I've seen my perception of myself echoed in how others percieve me; it's not exactly something I come out and ask, but something I pick up in time.
The problem, however, comes when people begin to expect that's all there is to me.
I'm not saying that I am a DEEP AND MEANINGFUL PERSON ZOMG!1 -- however. I am a person, and even shallow people are not just a single flattened layer. I do believe this, however much someone may act to the contrary -- just because a person is shallow, or materialistic, or any number of things, it doesn't mean that's ALL this person is. I believe that people as individuals are always changing because of our experiences and our little victories and defeats; because I chose to cut across the parking lot rather than go around on the sidewalk, something is different. Maybe it's just a tiny ripple that will become more signifigant years and years down the road -- but I believe that. It's a weird blend of believing in predestination (I don't entirely) and choosing your own fate (ditto). Things happen, we make choices, and no matter how inane, it all comes together to make the person we become.
It means, essentially, that yes, yes I take offense to being shunted into a tiny labelled box, and that I'm not allowed to grow or change from that. I had a friend several years ago who did essentially that: she had me neatly boxed into a single category, and as I changed (and she changed, as well), and I began to essentially wriggle my way out of her careful label of me -- well. Our friendship turned first awkward, then soured pretty fast. Part of me is still really resentful and angry about it; I probably will remain so for a long time. It felt like I'd been punished for being myself, because she made a lot of judgements based on her understanding of me and didn't bother to actually even ASK me if this was the case. And honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with making an assumption based on someone's previous behavior and interactions as you understand them -- but for something like this, which was actually fairly signifigant, she didn't bother saying anything and by the time I noticed, our friendship was ... pretty much on its way out.
And yeah, I was angry about this, and yeah, I felt rather betrayed. But somewhere along the way, I began changing from that, too. At times I'm still very whiny and emo; I admit this. In a way, I've become totally zen about my wibbliness and my dependencey/abandonment issues. They're a part of me, unfortunate and ugly as they might be -- and I am working to overcome them, but. I also acknowledge that it's okay for me to have a bad day. Or a bad week, or even a bad month. I'm allowed, because I know deep down that I want to get over it, I want to MOVE PAST it, and I want to make myself better. I know that I'm loved by a number of wonderful people, that I have a good life and a fun job and I can support my hobbies and just ... have fun with my life. I allow myself my bad times because I know myself, and I know I'll get better, and I've got good things to look forward to. Certainly it doesn't work for everyone -- but I'm not everyone. I'm me.
As a result of it, though, I've also become ... not exactly confrontational, I'm still too much of a wimp and wishy-washy for that. But if I notice somethng that I feel is going wrong -- if there is something genuinely bothering me about my relationship with someone, I will contact this person (usually by email, since that is where I have easiest access and probably am at my most eloquent -- in writing) and talk to them. I've seen what happens when things stagnate. I don't want to go through that again ever in my life, if I can help it.
Maybe this is idealistic -- maybe I'm a little stupid for thinking it, and wanting to hope it'll be real because it works for me. So far it has, so I've no reason to question it yet.
But in the end? I'm another person. I've got my good sides and my bad sides -- I've got times where I can be noble and times where I am petty and selfish. I honestly try to live by treating others how I want to be treated. If there is something I can do for someone else, even if it's something as silly as uploading a file that I happen to have, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. Why bother hoarding when I have the means and the ability to share? I like to make people happy; it makes me happy to know I'm responsible for brightening someone else's day. I will, in fact, sometimes go too far with it, to the point of my own detriment, but that's also something I'm working on. Someday I'll find a happy medium, and it'll be awesome.
And I really do genuinely like people. Cynical as I can be, distrustful as I ultimately am (once again, those lame abandonment issues, ahaha), I like people. I like talking with them, I like interacting with them, I like being STUPID with them. That's why one of my resolutions has been to comment more -- I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be, but I do actually read every single thing posted to my flist (l-lol, it's a lot, especially now that I'm in CFUD), and ... well. I want to be able to contribute more, to put myself out there and just start talking more. Get to know folks, hopefully get them to know me, and ... mingle, I guess?
I'm just. Not very good at doing it. XD; But hopefully with this new year, I'll get better -- hopefully I'll break out of my box even more, and keep growing from there!
TL;DR version:
1) I AM A UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE DUN SLAP LABELS ON ME
2) PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID OF ME, I LIKE PEOPLE AND I AM ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST AS SHY ABOUT MEETING YOU AS YOU ARE ME. YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M HERE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. PLEASE SAY HI. ♥
And with that off my chest and said, now maybe I can concentrate on writing. :|
So, overall, I like to think of myself as a very upbeat and cheerful person. Whether this is true or not is a little beside the point -- this is how I concieve of myself, and this is how I imagine myself in context of society and the others I interact with. I think of myself as shy with new people, but very loud and outspoken with the folks that I know and feel comfortable enough to relax around. I have my jaded moments and my cynical periods, but overall? I think I have a very positive zen outlook on life and the people I'm around. Generally speaking, I've seen my perception of myself echoed in how others percieve me; it's not exactly something I come out and ask, but something I pick up in time.
The problem, however, comes when people begin to expect that's all there is to me.
I'm not saying that I am a DEEP AND MEANINGFUL PERSON ZOMG!1 -- however. I am a person, and even shallow people are not just a single flattened layer. I do believe this, however much someone may act to the contrary -- just because a person is shallow, or materialistic, or any number of things, it doesn't mean that's ALL this person is. I believe that people as individuals are always changing because of our experiences and our little victories and defeats; because I chose to cut across the parking lot rather than go around on the sidewalk, something is different. Maybe it's just a tiny ripple that will become more signifigant years and years down the road -- but I believe that. It's a weird blend of believing in predestination (I don't entirely) and choosing your own fate (ditto). Things happen, we make choices, and no matter how inane, it all comes together to make the person we become.
It means, essentially, that yes, yes I take offense to being shunted into a tiny labelled box, and that I'm not allowed to grow or change from that. I had a friend several years ago who did essentially that: she had me neatly boxed into a single category, and as I changed (and she changed, as well), and I began to essentially wriggle my way out of her careful label of me -- well. Our friendship turned first awkward, then soured pretty fast. Part of me is still really resentful and angry about it; I probably will remain so for a long time. It felt like I'd been punished for being myself, because she made a lot of judgements based on her understanding of me and didn't bother to actually even ASK me if this was the case. And honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with making an assumption based on someone's previous behavior and interactions as you understand them -- but for something like this, which was actually fairly signifigant, she didn't bother saying anything and by the time I noticed, our friendship was ... pretty much on its way out.
And yeah, I was angry about this, and yeah, I felt rather betrayed. But somewhere along the way, I began changing from that, too. At times I'm still very whiny and emo; I admit this. In a way, I've become totally zen about my wibbliness and my dependencey/abandonment issues. They're a part of me, unfortunate and ugly as they might be -- and I am working to overcome them, but. I also acknowledge that it's okay for me to have a bad day. Or a bad week, or even a bad month. I'm allowed, because I know deep down that I want to get over it, I want to MOVE PAST it, and I want to make myself better. I know that I'm loved by a number of wonderful people, that I have a good life and a fun job and I can support my hobbies and just ... have fun with my life. I allow myself my bad times because I know myself, and I know I'll get better, and I've got good things to look forward to. Certainly it doesn't work for everyone -- but I'm not everyone. I'm me.
As a result of it, though, I've also become ... not exactly confrontational, I'm still too much of a wimp and wishy-washy for that. But if I notice somethng that I feel is going wrong -- if there is something genuinely bothering me about my relationship with someone, I will contact this person (usually by email, since that is where I have easiest access and probably am at my most eloquent -- in writing) and talk to them. I've seen what happens when things stagnate. I don't want to go through that again ever in my life, if I can help it.
Maybe this is idealistic -- maybe I'm a little stupid for thinking it, and wanting to hope it'll be real because it works for me. So far it has, so I've no reason to question it yet.
But in the end? I'm another person. I've got my good sides and my bad sides -- I've got times where I can be noble and times where I am petty and selfish. I honestly try to live by treating others how I want to be treated. If there is something I can do for someone else, even if it's something as silly as uploading a file that I happen to have, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. Why bother hoarding when I have the means and the ability to share? I like to make people happy; it makes me happy to know I'm responsible for brightening someone else's day. I will, in fact, sometimes go too far with it, to the point of my own detriment, but that's also something I'm working on. Someday I'll find a happy medium, and it'll be awesome.
And I really do genuinely like people. Cynical as I can be, distrustful as I ultimately am (once again, those lame abandonment issues, ahaha), I like people. I like talking with them, I like interacting with them, I like being STUPID with them. That's why one of my resolutions has been to comment more -- I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be, but I do actually read every single thing posted to my flist (l-lol, it's a lot, especially now that I'm in CFUD), and ... well. I want to be able to contribute more, to put myself out there and just start talking more. Get to know folks, hopefully get them to know me, and ... mingle, I guess?
I'm just. Not very good at doing it. XD; But hopefully with this new year, I'll get better -- hopefully I'll break out of my box even more, and keep growing from there!
TL;DR version:
1) I AM A UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE DUN SLAP LABELS ON ME
2) PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID OF ME, I LIKE PEOPLE AND I AM ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST AS SHY ABOUT MEETING YOU AS YOU ARE ME. YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M HERE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. PLEASE SAY HI. ♥
And with that off my chest and said, now maybe I can concentrate on writing. :|
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I am totally working on Boma/Daisuke right now. It. Is not going as well as I'd like, sob.
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I AM ALSO NOW READING TRC THANKS TO YOU F-FEY KLDFKLDFKL
omg Boma
I love the man, but I can never take him seriously. If you look like Squall, I will laugh at you.
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HAHAHAHA-- and then when you catch up, you can totally be CLAMP'd like the rest of us. 8DDDDD B-because right now, I think the general battle cry among TRC fans is WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
God, I can't take Boma seriously EITHER. It's awesome -- I love that he's such a powerful TWINK and GENUINELY CRAZY and just. ROCK ON. 8DDD
How far are you in HGJ? ♥♥
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I'm up to ep 23. The last disc I should get from Netflix tomorrow or Tuesday.
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Oooooooo~ >D I EXPECT REACTION POST o/
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Since I'm so totally revising my Latin Literature right now, I'd just like to adultnap this moment and say-- I really admire you. I pretty much agree with nearly all the points you've tapped, but obviously, things echo differently in accordance to who we are and what we've been through etc., etc. And maaan, I could never be as eloquent as you. |D ANYWAYS, I would say more, but s;djflksdfs I'm slumped with exam shizco, siiiigh.
And I was wondering, have you managed to read Demian Syndrome yet? XD;
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The funniest thing (for me) is that agreeing with what I say is also inherently DISagreeing, because we're different people! Which makes total sense, damnit! (I can only be eloquent when I try to draft things. If I'm working first thing in the morning, pffft, I'm lucky if I even make sense. XD)
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR EXAMS~ and I have been reading Demian Syndrome; it's a bit fun, but I feel like I'm missing something with the whole HOT AND COLD relationship bit going on. XD Are there translations online I can compare to? I think you mentioned, but I. Uh. Lost the link! o/;;;
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Oh! Erm, well, to tell you the truth, if you've read past volume 3, then you're probably waaaaaaay ahead in the drawing board. There's scanlations over at SiH (http://www.storminheaven.net/eng/projects/demian.html), but they're taking god ages forever in releasing the next chapitre. :(
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And hey, sometimes people need a little "excuse me, I am offended by your behavior/assumptions, plz to treat me like a person" reminder. ^^
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE TERRA. VERY SHINY AND UNIQUE. WILL BURY THEIR ASS AND GIVE THEM HYPOTHERMIA IF YOU ARE WRONGED ;D
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But if someone bugs me, especially these days, I will lay it out and say so. :|b I might wibble a lot, but I will do it.
FEEL MY SNOWFLAKE WRATH! RAWR! And ... just pretend there's some Laharl-esque laughter going on here♥ XD
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But seriously, I can relate to at least some of this. And friendships changing... I guess we're supposed to expect that, but usually the first time that a really close friendship changes, it's kind of shocking, and it's really upsetting. Having moved away, a lot of my friendships have changed in the past year and a half, and it can really be quite a trial. I think that's great that you approach someone if you notice things are different.
Anyway, long comment short, good entry~
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Change is definitely inevitable -- I remember a bit of shock when I started going to school out of state, and how that affected the relationships I had; part of me really did expect things to stay the same, though I knew objectively they HAD to change, with me not around. And it took me a while to get around to being zen about it -- but it finally happened; it just took a bloody long time. XD
Thank you~ I hope things start settling down and working out for you, too! :D
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also who do you play on CFUD let me audiencestalk you
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you're the medicine seller aren't you
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I, I don't mean to berate myself? XD; I just sort of ... believe in keeping a healthy perspective on myself, which means noting and acknowledging the parts of me which I'm not as proud of. Er. I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, I'M SORRY~ T______T
And, you figured out who I played on CFUD, so uh. Hi! o/
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Obviously you need to be more confident about yourself! IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH as long as you're being reasonable enough as well, I find that people are generally happy to accomodate you. SO DON'T APOLOGIZE.
Haha I've been really curious because medicine seller blew the CFUD apping patterns sky high. The way he was played was also vastly different from what I'd expect from the veterans, and then you mentioned that you just got in, so I put two and two together.... yeah, it was pretty obvious. XD BUT THIS IS SO AWESOME. \o/
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These days, seriously, I am almost TOTALLY ZEN about myself and my relations to people. |D One of my personal resolutions is to NOT let folks walk over me (I tend to be really passive and let things go -- and that just leads to unpleasantness building up), so! I WILL BE WORKING ON THAT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR~ o/
And really? 8D; I mentioned to
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No no, there's nothing amateurish about your app at all! I mean that generally people choose characters with higher crack potential because they're easier to play in CFUD. Medicine Seller is... well, I can't really imagine him doing all the crazy things that the other characters in camp are liable to, nor is he one to get into trouble he can't get himself out of. He's kind of untouchable, in a way (but it will probably be even more hilarious when something does happen to him). That's why I was pretty sure you're the one who's daring enough to take up the challenge of playing him. Haha. ^^
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I also threw that app at least four people wailing WHAT AM I DOOOOOOING during the process; I was actually genuinely shocked I got in. XD (I was playing video games and chatting with
That said, I'm sort of decided on apping a second character who'll talk more. :|b
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[HUGS] ♥ ALSO IT'S LATE AND I CAN'T BE SERIOUS, BUT. SERIOUSLY, I ADORE YOU.
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♥♥
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♥♥♥
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I was only on IRC for a little last night -- I realized about half an hour in that I was waaaaay too distracted and flighty to pay attention to ANY of it, so I logged off and attacked my writing instead. XD And then for some reason I cannot stay logged into gtalk at home (it was getting kind of ridiculous -- half an hour of connection vs two hours of NOTHING AT ALL though I could get my mail itself fine), so I ended up just logging out of that, too. >__>
I will try to be online tonight~ o/
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You can always be on IRC and not pay attention to it! Usually I'm logged on all day, but I don't pay attention to it all the time. But yeah, if you're more comfortable that way that's pretty good too. XD Gtalk is crazy sometimes. :|b
GOOD. \o
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The thing was, I DID have IRC minimized for most of the time -- but I would also keep going back compulsively to check it; around the fourth or fifth time I did that, I decided that I just needed to remove the distraction. XD And hey, it paid off; I finished one of my SK prompts~! o/
Gtalk hates my home connection. ToT But it's been holding steady at work all day, sob.
♥
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I am not too bad, people-wise; I've started trying to make it a habit of speaking up when I have a problem with someone. HOPEFULLY this will not bite me later. XD
Awww♥ I'm not that awesome, really -- I like to think of myself as laid-back and hopefully approachable. XD I just like people~♥
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I have to say that being on livejournal and other forums has really helped me talk to people more. Maybe because it's easy to say stuff in text then it is to say the words out loud.
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This makes me want to write my own. Dang it, too many subjects I want to expound pretentiously on lately. I'll catch up eventually, I know I will. :)
Seriously, if you ever have an issue with me, feel free to speak up. As I'm going to try to be more honest regarding my issues with people, I'd like to think they can be honest about what they see as my faults.
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I think it's worth at least articulating your feelings on the issue -- it's something that I think everyone has to decide for themselves, and really, probably the sooner the better. *g*
Cheesy as it sounds, I do think honesty is the best policy. So let's try for that, and maybe everything'll work out in the end. o/
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It's hard for me to really formulate anything else to say, it's all a bit jumbled in my head (gosh I'm tired) but I did want to say that I think you've ultimately ended up with a really positive outlook on this. Having lived with you for a year, I feel like I've been privileged to get to know you a bit better than I would have otherwise, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm looking forward to coming back in August and seeing how you, and all our friends have grown in the past year. I'm also looking forward to the look of horror on your face when you see my new gigantic collection of super sentai toys. XDD
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I'm looking forward to seeing you in August, too! And I don't know, I doubt I'll be THAT horrified by your sentai collection -- it just makes me laugh when everyone else is shaking their heads. XD Just be sure you're able to bring it all home without breaking anything, that's all I'm saying! o/
♥