TL;DR personal meta

[nekokoban]

After having a variation of this conversation three times last night (no joke) and some other events tossing and turning around, I got to thinking a bit. THERE IS PERSONAL META AHEAD, FEEL FREE TO SKIP.

So, overall, I like to think of myself as a very upbeat and cheerful person. Whether this is true or not is a little beside the point -- this is how I concieve of myself, and this is how I imagine myself in context of society and the others I interact with. I think of myself as shy with new people, but very loud and outspoken with the folks that I know and feel comfortable enough to relax around. I have my jaded moments and my cynical periods, but overall? I think I have a very positive zen outlook on life and the people I'm around. Generally speaking, I've seen my perception of myself echoed in how others percieve me; it's not exactly something I come out and ask, but something I pick up in time.

The problem, however, comes when people begin to expect that's all there is to me.

I'm not saying that I am a DEEP AND MEANINGFUL PERSON ZOMG!1 -- however. I am a person, and even shallow people are not just a single flattened layer. I do believe this, however much someone may act to the contrary -- just because a person is shallow, or materialistic, or any number of things, it doesn't mean that's ALL this person is. I believe that people as individuals are always changing because of our experiences and our little victories and defeats; because I chose to cut across the parking lot rather than go around on the sidewalk, something is different. Maybe it's just a tiny ripple that will become more signifigant years and years down the road -- but I believe that. It's a weird blend of believing in predestination (I don't entirely) and choosing your own fate (ditto). Things happen, we make choices, and no matter how inane, it all comes together to make the person we become.

It means, essentially, that yes, yes I take offense to being shunted into a tiny labelled box, and that I'm not allowed to grow or change from that. I had a friend several years ago who did essentially that: she had me neatly boxed into a single category, and as I changed (and she changed, as well), and I began to essentially wriggle my way out of her careful label of me -- well. Our friendship turned first awkward, then soured pretty fast. Part of me is still really resentful and angry about it; I probably will remain so for a long time. It felt like I'd been punished for being myself, because she made a lot of judgements based on her understanding of me and didn't bother to actually even ASK me if this was the case. And honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with making an assumption based on someone's previous behavior and interactions as you understand them -- but for something like this, which was actually fairly signifigant, she didn't bother saying anything and by the time I noticed, our friendship was ... pretty much on its way out.

And yeah, I was angry about this, and yeah, I felt rather betrayed. But somewhere along the way, I began changing from that, too. At times I'm still very whiny and emo; I admit this. In a way, I've become totally zen about my wibbliness and my dependencey/abandonment issues. They're a part of me, unfortunate and ugly as they might be -- and I am working to overcome them, but. I also acknowledge that it's okay for me to have a bad day. Or a bad week, or even a bad month. I'm allowed, because I know deep down that I want to get over it, I want to MOVE PAST it, and I want to make myself better. I know that I'm loved by a number of wonderful people, that I have a good life and a fun job and I can support my hobbies and just ... have fun with my life. I allow myself my bad times because I know myself, and I know I'll get better, and I've got good things to look forward to. Certainly it doesn't work for everyone -- but I'm not everyone. I'm me.

As a result of it, though, I've also become ... not exactly confrontational, I'm still too much of a wimp and wishy-washy for that. But if I notice somethng that I feel is going wrong -- if there is something genuinely bothering me about my relationship with someone, I will contact this person (usually by email, since that is where I have easiest access and probably am at my most eloquent -- in writing) and talk to them. I've seen what happens when things stagnate. I don't want to go through that again ever in my life, if I can help it.

Maybe this is idealistic -- maybe I'm a little stupid for thinking it, and wanting to hope it'll be real because it works for me. So far it has, so I've no reason to question it yet.

But in the end? I'm another person. I've got my good sides and my bad sides -- I've got times where I can be noble and times where I am petty and selfish. I honestly try to live by treating others how I want to be treated. If there is something I can do for someone else, even if it's something as silly as uploading a file that I happen to have, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. Why bother hoarding when I have the means and the ability to share? I like to make people happy; it makes me happy to know I'm responsible for brightening someone else's day. I will, in fact, sometimes go too far with it, to the point of my own detriment, but that's also something I'm working on. Someday I'll find a happy medium, and it'll be awesome.

And I really do genuinely like people. Cynical as I can be, distrustful as I ultimately am (once again, those lame abandonment issues, ahaha), I like people. I like talking with them, I like interacting with them, I like being STUPID with them. That's why one of my resolutions has been to comment more -- I'm not as good at it as I'd like to be, but I do actually read every single thing posted to my flist (l-lol, it's a lot, especially now that I'm in CFUD), and ... well. I want to be able to contribute more, to put myself out there and just start talking more. Get to know folks, hopefully get them to know me, and ... mingle, I guess?

I'm just. Not very good at doing it. XD; But hopefully with this new year, I'll get better -- hopefully I'll break out of my box even more, and keep growing from there!

TL;DR version:
1) I AM A UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE DUN SLAP LABELS ON ME

2) PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID OF ME, I LIKE PEOPLE AND I AM ACTUALLY PROBABLY JUST AS SHY ABOUT MEETING YOU AS YOU ARE ME. YOU HAVE THE ADVANTAGE BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M HERE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE. PLEASE SAY HI. ♥

And with that off my chest and said, now maybe I can concentrate on writing. :|

Comments

[opplepie.livejournal.com]

I think I can understand why your friend acted the way she did, because people change and sometimes they don't like it when their friends change too, and it's a natural reaction for most to shun things they don't understand. i would continue but it would take another day for me to come up with something remotely useful. WHY DO YOU BERATE YOURSELF SO MUCH. YOU'RE AN AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE AND THIS POST IS IN TURN MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF OKAY. STOPPIIIITTTTT T___T



also who do you play on CFUD let me audiencestalk you

[opplepie.livejournal.com]

wait

you're the medicine seller aren't you

[nekokoban]

Yes! Yes, I am. 8Db Was it obvious?

[nekokoban]

Objectively, I can understand why she did it, too -- what I didn't appreciate was the BS and the passive-aggressive skewing of things until it pretty much came out looking like I was the bad guy for changing. One of the very few things I can't forgive (easily, if ever) is essentially being made to feel guilty for being myself, like I'm allowed to make my own choices ONLY as they fit in the context of what someone else thinks/expects of me. :|

I, I don't mean to berate myself? XD; I just sort of ... believe in keeping a healthy perspective on myself, which means noting and acknowledging the parts of me which I'm not as proud of. Er. I DON'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, I'M SORRY~ T______T

And, you figured out who I played on CFUD, so uh. Hi! o/

[opplepie.livejournal.com]

Ugh, that's the worst. I don't want to make assumptions but it's probably for the best that it happened when it did. Nobody should be allowed to make you feel that way about yourself, especially by victimizing themselves and then shoving all the responsibility onto you.

Obviously you need to be more confident about yourself! IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH as long as you're being reasonable enough as well, I find that people are generally happy to accomodate you. SO DON'T APOLOGIZE.

Haha I've been really curious because medicine seller blew the CFUD apping patterns sky high. The way he was played was also vastly different from what I'd expect from the veterans, and then you mentioned that you just got in, so I put two and two together.... yeah, it was pretty obvious. XD BUT THIS IS SO AWESOME. \o/

[nekokoban]

Yeah, I ... well, all right, I try to be generous and give as much support and whatevers I can to my friends; if I have something that I can share, I really don't see any reason why I shouldn't. And I understand sometimes I can be TOO accomodating/forgiving, but I also have a nasty unforgiving streak if you hit me just right, and -- essentially using me for the emotional support I provide and dropping me when you decide you're emotionally mature and don't need that -- and therefore don't need ME -- any more? Noooot cool, hey.

These days, seriously, I am almost TOTALLY ZEN about myself and my relations to people. |D One of my personal resolutions is to NOT let folks walk over me (I tend to be really passive and let things go -- and that just leads to unpleasantness building up), so! I WILL BE WORKING ON THAT THROUGHOUT THE YEAR~ o/

And really? 8D; I mentioned to harukami I was interested in apping and she directed me to the voting comm to read old apps and get an idea of what worked and what didn't. Three months worth of apps later, I still didn't get it, so I just ... wrote something. XD; I was too much of a coward to actually look at any of the comments people might've left for the app, but I'm curious! :D Also apparently I'm not the only brand-new-to-CFUD player in this round, so you know. YOU HAD A ONE IN THREE CHANCE. XD

[opplepie.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you're getting on the right track well i don't know what the right track is, actually. But as long as you're feeling better about yourself! /o/ Sometimes it is also best not to overanalize things and just go with the flow~

No no, there's nothing amateurish about your app at all! I mean that generally people choose characters with higher crack potential because they're easier to play in CFUD. Medicine Seller is... well, I can't really imagine him doing all the crazy things that the other characters in camp are liable to, nor is he one to get into trouble he can't get himself out of. He's kind of untouchable, in a way (but it will probably be even more hilarious when something does happen to him). That's why I was pretty sure you're the one who's daring enough to take up the challenge of playing him. Haha. ^^

[nekokoban]

I'm on what feels like a right track for me! So I think I'm doing okay! o/

I also threw that app at least four people wailing WHAT AM I DOOOOOOING during the process; I was actually genuinely shocked I got in. XD (I was playing video games and chatting with telrunya and then suddenly she was like IT'S DECIDED! and I thought it was part of our conversation, but-- no, I'd gotten in. SHOCKING~) And having been in for the grand total of ONE WEEK TWO DAYS, he's ... actually pretty awesome for a flake like to play, because he's so very passive. He's only interested in people who're very obviously (or at least LOOK obviously) inhuman, and he's not much of one for making his own posts. 8Db

That said, I'm sort of decided on apping a second character who'll talk more. :|b