(no subject)

[nekokoban]

NO ONE IS ON LJ ANY MORE!

Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I don't even know.

These days I feel like I exist in a perpetual state of distance (mine) and disinterest (theirs) from nearly everyone I know, and it kind of sucks, because I end up feeling SAD AND ALONE AND SORRY FOR MYSELF! but at the same time, ugh, it's sort of like this self-perpetuating cycle where I try tentatively to reach out, get my feelings hurt/ignored/I don't even know, and then I promptly withdraw again. I constantly feel incredibly awkward when I try to interact with like 90% of the people I call friends, so that I'm less like an actual friend to them and more like ... this occasionally-entertaining/mildly-interesting clown that occasionally says something smart/funny, rather than like, someone to have an actual reciprocal friendly relationship with.

Part of the problem is that I recognize that it's as much my fault as anyone else's--I'm very bad at reaching out and keeping contact with people. I live in this constant, constant state of being unsure whether it's a good time or a bad time to talk to someone, whether I'm being a bother or a pain or anything. When I was little, and even now, the one thing I hated more was to cause someone trouble, to the point where I'd go into a cycle of self-flagellation if my efforts were rejected--less because I was blaming the other person, but because I always expected myself to be more aware; "I should have known this was a bad time" or "I'm just not as interesting to them." I do try, sometimes, and it always feels like it does me no good. I try to reach out, to be an interesting/interested friend, and then when I am at a point where maybe I'd like interaction/attention, ha ha there is none for me! It is all for everyone else. I'm having a bad day? But someone else is and they're more important, so oh no worry about them! Who even notices Terra, except for benthic who has to deal with me in person. (Rather than give me sympathy, you should give it to her. That poor woman has to put up with a lot from me.)

It's basically boiled down to my assuming that if people want to talk to me, they'll make the first move, and that's not fair! I know it's not fair! BUT HERE I AM, AT THIS POINT. HOORAY.

But the fact does still remain that I do feel cut off and lonely and like no one cares enough to even notice. I see people who say they love hearing/seeing people being excited about the stuff they like, but when I try to engage--to talk about things that I am interested in, or things that maybe hopefully people will be interested in--I always feel like it comes across flat or flubs or jeeze, Terra, why did you think they meant you, they obviously meant the interesting people. Which you are not. Go back to your corner until you level up, if you ever do.

And I think that cut-off thing is effecting my attitude towards other things; like, while I enjoy RP and have fun with it, I feel like because I am not all STARS AND RAINBOWS AND HEARTS, I am automatically in the minority, which means that people are less likely to even want to talk to me about tangentially (fandom) related things, because hey \:D/ she can be fun but she doesn't want to engage in A, so she won't want to engage in B. So I feel like a terrible rollarcoaster when it comes to RP, where--I enjoy it, and I have fun, but I feel so extraneous to the OOC community side that it's like hrfffff, why do I get on IRC in the first place? I could probably just dick around by myself and people would notice just as much.

Ultimately, though, I think I am becoming a person I don't really like--someone who doesn't trust when people say they like me or find me interesting, because I feel awkward and unpleasant to myself, ha ha ha. And I feel like the solution is to either grow up and accept this fact, or move on, but ha ha ha move on to where, even. :B If I couldn't be interesting to people before, and I can't be interesting now, what makes me think I will achieve this in the future? Hahahahahahaha.

TL;DR SAD AND ALOOOOOOOOOOOOONE and I will keep quiet about shit for the foreseeable future, but I wrote this mostly to get it off my chest and have it out there. Even if no one reads it, at least I've said it. And then maybe I can start working on that zen thing. \o_o/

Comments

[grazie.livejournal.com]

Are you me? ._.

[flamebyrd]

This. This exactly.

*zen hugs*

[arabesque]

I'M STILL ON LJ! Also I find you interesting all the time!! (PS thank you for putting up with my random fandom dumping)

[nekokoban]

I LIKE YOUR FANDOM DUMPING :( but like I said in the post, I am always vaguely like hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr DO I BOTHER WHEN AT WORK OR WHAT :(

[alexander.livejournal.com]

but ilu...

[alexander.livejournal.com]

idk why the icon thing is always that icon

[woodburner.livejournal.com]

oh god I have the same problem with the whole "afraid to reach out THERE IS NO WAY I AM INTERESTING ENOUGH" and the being afraid of being a bother thing. :(((


(...JUST FOR THE RECORD I think you are SUPER INTERESTING and totes awesome. 8|d)

[nekokoban]

hahahahahaha ;; On the one hand, it is nice to know I am not the only one; on the other, it is like fffffffffffffffffffff /)_(\ why is this a thing that happensssss.

You have my sympathies

[7scimitarroll.livejournal.com]

I know at least a bit of how that feels. It gets better. My reflex is to offer advice, but as that's not my place would you accept a virtual hug?

Re: You have my sympathies

[nekokoban]

Mostly I was looking to vent and complain, more than anything else. Thank you, though!

[megido]

yeah when did you turn into me terra

[nekokoban]

I think the question is when did you become me

I am sorry you're me

that is not a good thing :( but I am happy to see you around, when I do, for what it is worth.

[wakuchan.livejournal.com]

Yeah add me to the chorus of "are you me?" It is a sucky feeling, no two ways about it.

[nekokoban]

w-worst hi-5, sob. :(

[dalmasca.livejournal.com]

I don't talk about RP that much, or at least I've been trying to cut down on it in favor of general LIFE!!1 FANDOM!!1 occasionally WRITING!!1 which I know you like but IDK maybe it's just ... April funk or something idek :|a. Because I've been feeling like that annoying cartoon raincloud lately and idk if that's the same ... thing ...

sob idk ♥

[nekokoban]

Yeah, I think I am just in a :U mood towards RP, because it's fun, but--it is not the magical hearts and rainbows experience for me that it seems to be for everyone else, so I'm like. ._.a I am missing something y/n.

I like talking about writing, though. :( I cannot contribute to your talking about CS stuff, but I can about writing.

[very-verydanger.livejournal.com]

y u me darling

[nekokoban]

I am sorry you are me, darling :( but you are still my darling.

[vitani]

I think a lot of people feel similar -- I know I for one feel guilty for not making a concentrated effort to reach out more to people... but I am such a hermit it kind of conflicts.

Can I just say though that I have no idea why people want to talk about rp so much. Don't they get bored? I mean, I hate plurk for a multitude of reasons but one of them is because there is always so much rp talk going on. Which I don't hold against anyone, of course, they should talk about whatever they want to -- but it does make me feel like I'm on an entirely different wavelength.

[nekokoban]

Forrrrr the most part, I don't mind plurk--I do like it better than twitter in some ways, because it's a lot easier to group conversations and track things etc! But at the same time, I do sometimes feel kind of like "and now here I am, what do :X" about the environment there.

I need to kick my ass into gear about doing stuff offline more. Sometime when you're not hermity, let's do IHOP at some ridiculous hour o'clock. :X

[wonderseal.livejournal.com]

HI TERRA I REALLY LIKE YOU AND FIND YOU INTERESTING AND WANT TO EAT ALL THE TOM DOUGLAS DESSERTS WITH YOU!!!!

I have been feeling extremely isolated since I was banned from the internet at work and last weekend I canceled all my plans except to call you guys on a whim to hang out and I felt miserable in general for being a social dropout! But the thing is, I was feeling exactly the way you're writing about and it sucks but the thing I've found is that... everyone else seems to feel the same way. I was waiting for people to ask me to hang out but when they did I fucked off. But this past weekend I made it a point to keep busy and do things one-on-one (or one-on-two! or in small groups!) and not every single thing I did or said was a rousing success but I had a good time. And I had an amazing time with you and benthic at brunch. I talked about it last night at katy's and today at work! Seeing everyone made me so happy so I'm kind of back to not feeling bad about initiating everything ever. It's just kind of the way we are up here, I think. Everyone is very cozy in their bubble and is content to hang out and not do a whole lot but if someone asks then they're like YEAH OKAY THAT SOUNDS FAB.

tl;dr i really, really enjoy hanging out with you. I enjoy listening to you talk about things you enjoy, and I'm sorry if I don't always know how to respond. YOU ARE COOL BRO. LET'S GET DONUTS.

[nekokoban]

♥♥ ;; I have really had fun getting out and seeing you; it's one of those things where I just ... sometimes forget that I like getting out and interacting with others, and then I do and I'm like \o_o/ this is amazing!

Hrrrrrrrrgh I am going to try and be better about it, because it is not fair for you to always have to be the one to ask me(/us). And maybe if I do more stuff offline, I will feel less terrible about the things online. :B

♥

[ningen-demonai.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what everyone else is saying cuz yeah. :(

[nekokoban]

Why is everyone me, this is really terrible. :(

[duck113.livejournal.com]

the trick is to shift your focus off yourself & onto others- assume that they feel the same or worse. Whenever you focus on yourself it is easy to spiral down- but most people are thrilled if you notice them enough to talk with them. Think of it has helping them instead of overcoming yourself.

[nekokoban]

That is actually a good way of putting it! If I can get myself to think of it that way, I think that'd be ideal, but as it is, I think I have to get over that mental block first.

I like that pov, though, thank you for suggesting it. :)

[discedes.livejournal.com]

AAHHH! I need to figure out how LJ chat works or if my AIM is broken because I'm on AIM almost all the time and I haven't seen you yet :/ but I am ALWAYS around.

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGSSSS*

[nekokoban]

I am actually not on AIM super-often, because I forget to turn it on >_> I usually am on gchat insteaddddd, but LJ chatting is always cool too! I will make more of an effort, ahhhh, that is the lesson I am learning today. ;;b

[gaignun.livejournal.com]

Haha have another OH MAN THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR comment.

[nekokoban]

THESE ARE THE WORST HI-5'S, SERIOUSLY 8(b

[sjen.livejournal.com]

Aww. Try moving out of the city and living on your own-- it makes it much, much worse. LJ was the only way I was able to talk with ppl and now they are all gone. Now I just talk to my cat.

[nekokoban]

I did live on my own for a while, and from a different part of the city from most of the people I'd hang out with online, so I do know what that's like.

Still working on the zen, though. :B

[llyse.livejournal.com]

Thirding/tenthing/something-ing all the "are you me?" hahaha.



/relurks

[nekokoban]

bawwwww confidence issuesssssssss.

and hahaha, thank you, I'm really glad you're enjoying it, and I know Haru will be too. :) I hope you continue enjoying it!

[vikki.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I know I'm late to reply, but I completely understand and I go through periods of time like this too, where I feel like I'm just a terrible, isolated person and nobody likes me. It's the worst when you try to dig out of that funk by hanging with friends and nobody's free! D=

I've finally realized that outside of a few close-knit people I know, I'm just going to be acquaintances with people whom I share one or two interests in because I'm just not good enough at holding together a network. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just knowing what works for you.

TL;DR HUGS FEEL BETTER I LOVE YOU AND YOU SHOULD VISIT MUUN AND I SOMETIME

[nekokoban]

I think I need to get to a point where I can feel okay with it--it's one of those things that I know objectively, but subjectively I am sadface and blargh and in general :(

I WOULD LIKE TO SOMEDAY, I have actually never been to New York ever, and I would rather visit friends then just go for the touristy thing. :|b

[ontogenesis.livejournal.com]

I am sorry you feel bad. I bet this nasty weather doesn't help either. Hah, I'll probably end up with SAD sooner or later. :grumble:

I like your company, and I don't think you're boring.

For my part, I stopped texting you because you didn't reply, and I usually figure that I am just spamming people with invites when they don't reply. :shrugs: I'm the newcomer to Seattle, so I know that I do have to be aware that most people already have pretty busy social calendars.

[nekokoban]

I don't think I have SAD, but I've been here long enough that it is definitely a possibility. :|a

Honestly, my social calender is not that busy--I am just really bad about remembering to keep my phone on me/checking it for messages, because normally people don't contact me that way! Generally speaking, by the time I saw your messages, it was already ... sometimes a day or more after you sent them, and at that point it was like /)_(\ she probably doesn't want me to reply to an invitation that's already over and done with.

I will try to be better, though. :(b It may be a slow process, but I am going to try.

[duowolf.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[sigrunic.livejournal.com]

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU and be your friend. :( Though I understand a little about the first move thing and how saying that might be hard to mean much to you.

Aaaand I definitely feel you re: the RP bit. I ENJOY RP AND EVEN THE OOC COMMUNITY, but I definitely... don't feel noticed or needed... or that it's necessarily all rainbows, and I side eye the people who celebrate it and their ooc communication to that extent, which is unfair! But it has been happening especially recently where I've been taking a huge break from irc to get all this schoolwork done and pretty much only talk to 2 people online anymore because I'm... just not there. :B;; And I tend to auto-mute RP things on plurk, though sometimes I'll read the occasional meme since those can be fun time wasters. Speaking of RP too,I still want to pick up Kazuki's CR with Road! ♥!!!!

I am on LJ too. :( I MISS LJ TO BE HONEST it feels like everyone posts on plurk instead.

[vulchu.livejournal.com]

+1 chorus stop stealing my life dude.

[mikomichan.livejournal.com]

NO ONE IS ON LJ ANY MORE!

Selfishly, this makes me sad because I haven't really fallen into the microblogging scene, and LJ is one way for me to sort of feel like I'm keeping up with people now that I'm on the other side of the world!

BUT BACK ON TOPIC, I mean it's clear from all the comments that you're not alone in feeling the way that you feel and it's that whole HEDGEHOG'S DILEMMA thing (haha Evangelion) at play, and I find that even though the internet and RP community can be fun and feels inclusive, it can just as easily feel isolating at times >: And everything is sort of "easier than it sounds" in these things, but sometimes you just have to believe that people really DO want to talk to you and know about your day or the things you love or why you're feeling upset at any particular time, and if they're not the most responsive at times, maybe they're having a bad day and need the same from you! I know that working under these assumptions, gaisce has pretty much been a bastion of sanity for me since I've been in Australia since I bother her almost daily. It's hard to make the first move, but I know I'm always happy when someone messages me out of the blue, and I hope others feel the same way?

But anyway, I think you're great and I really am sad that I'm not within close-ish proximity to Seattle anymore so I could get to know you and benthic better! And I know that I'm kind of out of the RP scene and fandom scene (except for things I keep revisiting like UTENAAAA sob), but I'd love to talk whenever, though a-awkward time difference >: Well, if you ever need anyone to talk to past midnight, I'm your girl....? ♥

[omg-its-fiore.livejournal.com]

Adding to the ARE YOU ME pile OTL

I-I think that most of this planet is afraid to be boring and thus waits for others to make the first move, maybe? Being forced to isolate myself, relatively speaking, for the last several years because of my THESIS has made me think about these things a lot...on one hand, I've had to rely on people to be understanding, and discovered they are way more understanding than I'd have ever thought. On the other, my social circle has shrunk LIEK WHOA. So that's forced me to really get to know myself and work out the things I don't like about myself and try and fix them, because it is NEVER TOO LATE TO FIX THEM. Also, getting closer to 30 helps with gaining the instinct to know how much energy to spend feeling worried or upset...at least I've found.

But you are lovely. And I miss RPing with you.

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

derf.

+1 to the ARE YOU ME? crowd.

Mostly because of that second to last paragraph. That is basically the sum of how I am. Although I have more of the reverse psychology I was raised with growing up. PRAISE = THEY ARE LYING. INSULTS = PROVE THEM WRONG, FUCK YEAH \o/;;;

... which is why I am the most annoying person ever and I LOVE TALKING WITH YOOOOOU. IRL we should hang out more and in RP, we should do things. 8|a Yes, things.

... once I get back from Texas or at least settled down there for the week. Oi vey.

/snugs

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

U-unless, of course. you don't. like hanging out with me.

I never think about that part ;;

Ah. Um. ♥





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♥